“He’s not the only one who’s wet,” said one woman, showing her breast.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
According to a recent report given to the UC San Diego Police Department, a creature that looks “like a weirdly attractive cross between a fish and a man” has begun to occupy a pool in a La Jolla mansion. Attempts to remove the creature have failed due to animal control officers’ unwillingness to engage with it. According to Animal Control Officer Mike Joblin, the creature is “far bigger than what we are used to dealing with. Like, the biggest we normally have to deal with is a very large dog, or something. That thing is straight up just a man…I didn’t join the force to lock up men.”
Authorities do not know how this creature appeared in La Jolla, as this species’ primary habitat is the Black Lagoon. Scripps Institution of Oceanography researcher Elisa Esposito believes it was forced out due to rising ocean acidification. Esposito, who was able to get closer to the creature while it was sleeping, noted that its “once beautifully muscular green form” had become a “sickly pale yellow.” In a report on her findings, Esposito wrote, “Every year, the overall ocean acidity level increases due to the acceleration of carbon emissions from various megacorporations. While these changes were initially small, their continued growth has negatively impacted the world’s aquatic environments. First, it was the coral reef bleaching, and now it’s confining a sexy fish-man to a chlorinated prison.”
In an effort to save the creature, Esposito and other environmental activists began to protest, calling for more restrictions on corporations’ carbon emissions. In response, corporate lobby group “Protecting Our Right to Employ” released the following statement: “Our clients understand that you are upset about all this environmental nonsense, but you all need to realize something. If they have to pay more money to protect the ecosystem, then they will just charge you all more! It’s not like they have billions of dollars sitting around, completely unused. So get a grip, accept that the fish-thing is just not cut out for this world, and move on!”
Scripps is currently building a specialized enclosure for the creature. It will have an environment that is more similar to that of the Black Lagoon, and will contain everything needed to maintain the creature’s health, such as “a lot of sand” and “a few beautiful scientists to chase.” Pan Peak, the director of the project, aims to “ensure that the creature is fully content with its temporary home,” but emphasized that the institute must take “all actions no matter how grave” to ensure the environment’s safety of the world, “even if a few pigs have to be roasted.”
Scripps is currently accepting applications for volunteers to help lure the creature out of the swimming pool, with a preference for applicants who look like “bombshell actresses from the 1950s.”
Cole was born in 1984, a few months after the "incident". He is currently majoring in Mad Science, with a specialization in explosions. He is most know for growing mold in various bathrooms.
