Otherwordly Being
Today marks the 283rd day since I first arrived on Earth. For some context: I only came to this planet to acquire the minerals you call “clean coal” for fuel, hire some Earthlings as my “interns”, and create what you call “crop circles”, because graphic design is my passion, especially when it involves intergalactic vandalism.
Unfortunately, I was accused of breaking the “laws of nature” when I was caught “speeding beyond the speed of light.” I bet those cops were just jealous of my dominating, viscous aura that was oozing out everywhere.
Anyway, in my escape, I crashed down…somewhere. Was it Taiwan? Or Thailand? I don’t remember. Thankfully, though, my new friends from the U.S.A. came to pick me up. They did point their measly little toy guns at me first, but after I used my epic laser gun to annihilate their box-like cars, they took me to their leader. Apparently, their newest leader is this super old guy named Donald Trump, who was really nice to me when we first met. He didn’t seem like he had any ulterior motives at all! What a nice fella!
After our introduction, we went to have some “coffee” in some place called Area 51. Don kept getting distracted by my laser gun, so I made a deal with him. If I lent him my gun, he would let me stay on Earth until the space police got off my back.
This was the first time I learned about the term “aliens” used outside of an interplanetary context. Don said everyone trying to come into his country, legally or illegally, is an “alien”, and that it should be easy to identify “aliens” with educated guesses, or sometimes, just by looking.
So, in order to blend in and be truly naturalized, he told me to just use my “galaxy gadgets” to shapeshift to look like the people around him, who happened to all have pearly, milky-white complexions. Additionally, he wants me to pretend to forget my own culture and replace it with his own. Isn’t that strange?
Our conversation was eye-opening: I learned about cool hobbies like “colonialism” and ridiculous sci-fi concepts like “climate change”. Most importantly, I learned about the evil nonsense that was “birthright citizenship”. This “blasphemy” dared to proclaim that almost everyone, even the children of illegal aliens, can have citizenship as long as they are born in the United States and under the jurisdiction of this country. Apparently, old Donny thinks that’s just “a way to replace us all.” I am not sure how Earthlings could be replaced by other Earthlings, but I didn’t want to sound rude.
Now, I don’t know what most of those words mean, but even now, as Don is trying to limit birthright citizenship, and fighting the deplorable Supreme Court every step of the way, I cannot help but snicker — I guess some Earthlings are also considered “aliens”.
