“Ho, ho, ho, Ozempic,” sang Santa Claus.
Photo by Abby Offenhauser
In a “shocking” development jingling the Christmas world, sources confirm that Santa Claus has been on an “Ozempic journey” since January, resulting in what Mrs. Claus calls a “Christmas miracle,” despite “concerning children and families worldwide.”
The beloved icon, once known for his full figure, now sports what his elven PR team describe as a “new look, best suited for movement through the modern chimney.”
“Gone are the visions of sugar plums,” said the Gingerbread Man. “Now it’s all about portion control.
Timmy Tinsel, a 30-year-old lifelong Santa believer, said, “I couldn’t even recognize him! He looks like one of those elves on the shelves! One of the scary skinny ones, too!”
Santa’s weight loss journey began after his annual physical examination last January, when his doctor suggested that he “deck the halls with healthier habits.” Those close to Santa report that the transformation was “faster than Dasher on Christmas Eve.” Santa’s “legendary” cookie consumption plummeted from millions a night to “maybe a nibble, only if it fits in with his macros.”
“The milk and cookies justcdon’t hit the same anymore,” Santa confessed on a Zoom press conference from the North Pole. “I take, like, two bites and I’m already full! Do you know how awkward it feels to leave millions of cookies untouched?! The reindeer are getting plump from eating all my leftovers!”
Mrs. Claus reported thatctheir home has undergone a “complete renovation.”
“Out went the gingerbread decorations and peppermint bark pantry; in came the GLP, meal prep containers, and enough protein shakes to feed all of Whoville. We’ve even replaced the North Pole’s famous cocoa bar with a juice cleanse station.”
Meanwhile, malls across America are struggling to adapt to this change. “The
children expect someone round and jolly,” said one mall manager. “But now we have to let go of all the jolly old grandfathers we had and trade them in for gym bros who talk to children about their macros and gift them gym memberships for Christmas.”
The reindeer have also reported mixed feelings about this new change. “Sure, we appreciate the reduced load,” Prancer said. “But the boss used to sneak us extra carrots without mentioning ‘clean eating.’ Now, he meal-preps our treats and talks about the importance of getting our daily steps in.”
Child psychologists are “scrambling” to address the resulting crisis. “To children, Santa represents joy, generosity, and abundance,” explained Dr. Jackie Froste. “Now we have kids crying and asking if the Easter Bunny will shrink next! One child even asked if Jesus had abs in the Last Supper!”
Santa was last spotted on the Stairmaster, muttering something about “looking sleigh” next year, while Rudolph watched in silence.
