“I heard reindeer meat is protein-rich,” said Claus. His reindeer could not be reached for comment.
Photo by Ariel Chen
In a recent press release from the North Pole, Santa Claus announced that, instead of the traditional milk and cookies, he would now like children to leave him “a Fairlife protein shake and some rice cakes.”
“I recently downloaded MyFitnessPal to track my macros and was appalled at the absolute waste of calories in the foods that these little brats were leaving me! It’s their fault I can’t meet any of my fitness goals,” he said. Claus has also requested that all snacks left out for him include nutritional information such as the exact gram values of the protein, carbohydrates, and fats present in each item, a recommended serving size, and the sources of each ingredient in the recipe. “If they are seed oils or refined sugar, forget about it! How dare they try to feed me that garbage. I now get my nutrients in the most optimal, healthiest form: protein powder!”
“The milk and cookies were supposed to be a cute way for kids to ‘feel some holiday cheer’ and ‘get in the spirit of giving’, but after watching BuffBroRipped on Youtube, I learned that protein is the single most important nutrient on this earth! Food is fuel for your body, and baby, this body needs gasoline,” explained Santa on his newly-launched TikTok account, @SantaShredz. “I would eat pure protein if I could.” In the past month, Claus’ workout account, containing health recipes, workout routines, and critiques of other creators’ videos, has grown to over 39 million followers, and has been sponsored by Fairlife, Legion Protein, and creatine.
Since the announcement, Claus has faced backlash from families with young Santa-believing children around the world. “This completely ruins the tradition,” commented Joy Mistle, mother of three, on one of his videos. “What kind of message is this going to send to my kids? That you can’t enjoy cookies, even on a literal holiday based around joy?” Claus replied, explaining that “a cheat day is still cheating. Never give up the grind.” Other advocates have pointed out that health foods like protein shakes cost significantly more than milk, which could cause issues for those who cannot afford it. “
I’m flexible!” said Claus, in response to price concerns. “If there are no protein shakes, I’ll take protein bars — so long as the ratio is at least 10 grams of protein per 100 calories — raw egg whites, and of course, boiled chicken breast.”
Claus announced that instead of flying in his sleigh, he would be jogging from house to house to deliver gifts. “It may take a bit longer, but your guy has to get his sets in. It’s good for the kids and teaches them patience, like the type you need on your bulk-cut cycle!” Families have been told to expect presents anytime between December 25 and February 9.
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