“But I wanted uppies!” said one Christian father.
Photo by Ezra Bihis
In a move that sent panic throughout evangelical communities in the United States, God announced last Tuesday that the “most anticipated event of one’s lifetime” — the Rapture — has been “indefinitely postponed” after a “routine screening” of expected attendees.
“Listen, I’ve seen a lot in my eternal existence,” God said in a rare press conference from the pearly gates of Heaven. “But I have to draw the line somewhere. These people have been RSVPing for millennia, and after complaints from the other side, I realized that I should have checked the guest list sooner.”
This announcement came soon after God reported spending several weeks observing social media posts, bumper stickers, lawn signs, and Sunday dinner conversations of those who had confidently assumed they had a place in the Eternal Kingdom. Angelic sources say God’s breaking point came after He discovered the Facebook group “Rapture Ready,” where members discussed their plans for guaranteed salvation while calling for the deportation of refugees and posting A.I.-generated images of Jesus holding assault rifles.
“This is a great disappointment to me,” God stated, visibly frustrated. “I literally gave them one job: ‘Love thy neighbor.’ That’s literally it. And, somehow, they have interpreted it as ‘Love thy neighbor, but only if they look, sound, and vote like you do.’”
This decision has left millions of self-proclaimed “children of God” stranded on Earth, a majority of whom already quit their jobs, sold their homes, and purchased white robes to match their Creator’s. One such individual, Brie Gotte of Ohio, expressed confusion about God’s decision.
“I honestly don’t understand,” Gotte said, clutching her “Jesus Loves You” tote bag. “I have been a good Christian my whole life. Sure, I may have told my foreign neighbor to go back to her country, but I go to church every Sunday!”
The decision is reportedly “indefinite,” with God suggesting that rapture hopefuls focus their time on “actually reading Bible verses” instead of using them as home decoration or as means of verbal assault during town hall meetings. He added, “By their logic, entering Heaven is a privilege, and not a right.
“We shall revisit this ‘Rapture’ subject when people figure out that ‘loving your enemies’ was, in fact, not optional. Until then, you people should enjoy your megachurches and superiority complexes,” God added.
After this announcement, affected individuals were reported to be frantically Googling whether “being kind to people who don’t look like you” was actually in the Bible, with most refusing to believe the search results.
