“Birds of a feather strike together!” said Big Bird.
Photo by Dylan Schmidt
Yesterday, the American Bird Union (ABU) announced that all members will go on strike from all “bird labor,” effective immediately. Union President Big Bird, a frequent “Sesame Street” personality, announced in an ABU press conference that “Americans will not see or reap any benefits from birds” until their demands are met. Bird, who has led the union since its inception in 1973 as the “biggest bird” in North America, mandates all North American birds to fly to South America until the situation is resolved.
According to the union, the birds are striking in support of Jimmy Kimmel, whose late night talk show was unexpectedly pulled off air in late September due to remarks later described by President Trump and FCC chairman Brendan Carr as “bad, not good, and unfunny.” In a press conference, Bird stated, “After hearing that one of our brethren and loyal union members, a bird named Jimmy Kimmel, had his most basic right to fly freely on national airways taken away by his employer, we demand his immediate reinstatement, backpay, as well as compensation for his emotional turmoil in the form of bird seed, preferably the expensive kind.”
When questioned whether the birds knew who Jimmy Kimmel was and if they understood that his TV show, “Jimmy Kimmel LIVE!” was temporarily suspended, Kevin, a chicken and ABU spokesbird responded, “What? How the fuck could that be true? What do you think I am, an ostrich? I’m not an idiot, I’ve got a law degree from the University of Phoenix Online. They banned him from flying, that’s why it’s called an airwave. Banning speech would be a violation of the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, among other things. That could never happen here in America!”
The union’s website details all the labor Kimmel has reportedly been providing, which union members will also no longer engage in out of solidarity, including “collecting shiny things, delivering messages, pooping on shit, stealing french fries, squaking in the wee hours of the mornings, yelling at cats, and flying in Vs to point airplanes towards their destinations.” They also claim any birds caught strikebreaking will be plucked, stuffed with tea, and thrown into Boston Harbor.
Since the strike began, most people have “not noticed” and those who have reported being “okay with losing personal freedoms if it means no more god damn sky rats.” One California man reported feeling “sad” because he “lost [his] purpose in life” if he didn’t get to refill his multiple hummingbird feeders “at least once a day.” Many Americans also expressed confusion about the timing of the strike, as Kimmel’s show’s brief ABC-imposed hiatus occurred at the end of September. The ABU has refused to comment on the matter.
Kimmel’s colleagues addressed the situation, with host of “The Late Show with Stephen Colbert,” Stephen Colbert, complaining, “Why didn’t any class in the Kingdom Animalia do this for me when they canceled my show because of Trump?” In contrast, the World Canine Union, led by the local American Jackals subgroup, has made a similar pledge — if “Late Night with Seth Meyers,” hosted by Seth Meyers, were to be stopped from “eating shit on national television,” canines across the globe, including all dogs, wolves, jackals, and coyotes, will stop their duties until it is reinstated. So far, Kimmel’s only response to the news has been, “What?”
Erica is definitely alive and well, and no one should be worried about having not seen her since 2023.
