National
White Supremacists Now Disinterested in Valhalla
“I didn’t think Valhalla had H1-B visas,” said Burke Collins.Photo by Farhad Taraporevala White supremacist groups in the United States are reportedly distancing themselves from any …
Montana to Introduce New Congressional Maps
The final electoral map was found to be more representative than the Texas redistricting.Photo by Ezra Bihis and Amit Roth In response Proposition 50 in California …
Entity Projecting Waves of Apathy ‘Not a Big Deal,’ White House Says
“I actually voted for the entity,” said one median voter.Photo by Amit Roth At 11:56 p.m. on October 27th, an unknown entity appeared in the sky …
Birds To Go On Strike
“Birds of a feather strike together!” said Big Bird.Photo by Dylan Schmidt Yesterday, the American Bird Union (ABU) announced that all members will go on strike …
Millionaire Becomes Philanthropist After Dickensian Ghost Visitation
“I was ghoulish before, but now, I’ll be more transparent with my business practices,” said Richard Cox.Photo by Abby Offenhauser Multi-millionaire CEO, lobbyist, and oil mogul …
Jack ‘O Lantern to Retire, Replaced by Daughter Jill
“Save the snowflakes for Christmas,” said Dick Johnson.Photo by Amit Roth After 50 years of service, Jackson O’Hannigan Lanternson — or Jack ‘O Lantern, as he …
Local Chimps Protest After Jane Goodall’s Passing
“It’s a battle between apes and pigs,” said one bystander.Photo by Chaveli Diaz The Trump administration has recently cut $8 billion from climate-related projects in 16 …
Taylor Swift ‘Begs’ Fans to Ignore Lyrics
“Why can’t people just separate the speech from the speaker?” said Taylor Swift.Photo by The MQ Despite being considered one of the “least anticipated” releases of …
Yuri Banned
“How will this affect Gaylor?” asked one protestor.Photo by Aidan Moran To combat the “troubling threat lesbians pose to American democracy,” President Trump issued an executive …
HHS Announces Return to Humorism
“Bloodletting?” read one Xeet. “More like blood mandatory.”Photo by Amit Roth Last Monday, Secretary of Health and Human Services (HHS) Robert F. Kennedy Jr. announced in …
