Stephen Lightfoot
Local Man Studies Abroad, Experiences No Jet Lag Due to God-Awful Sleep Schedule
Maples gets up each morning for a “light jog” around the neighborhood to see the sights, “just like anyone else would.”Photo by Jessica Ma After paying …
Point/Counter Point: Swearing
Point: No Son of Mine Will Swear in This Household Son, come here. Get your old man a beer from the fridge. Thanks. While you’re here, …
Local Frat Star Says “Fuck It,” Respects Women
Following a week of continuous drunkenness and intoxication, TriAlpha member Richard McDaniel shocked his fraternity brothers by denouncing sexism, homophobia, and racism in one fell swoop. …
King Midas: “Golden Globes Were Disappointing”
Following the 76th Golden Globes Awards, infamous political figurehead King Midas called the event “a sham.” First posted to his Twitter account and later confirmed in …
Local Badass Refuses to Admit He’s Cold
Upon stepping outside into the 59-degree weather, infamous daredevil and renegade Francis Yates proclaimed that he wasn’t even chilly, even when just wearing shorts and a …
Ghostbusters Caught Releasing Ghosts in Alleged Criminal Profiteering Scheme
In a recent public statement, New York City Police Commissioner James O’Neill announced that the Ghostbusters were arrested following a no-knock raid at their headquarters. Following …
21-Year-Old Finally Old Enough to Gamble and Drink His Life Away
UCSD student and official adult Darren Costapolis turned 21 last Monday and celebrated with a party full of legal drinking, gambling, and drugs that only a …
“This Family Has Gone to Shit, Dagnabbit,” Local Grandfather Announces at Family Reunion
At a recent Baker family reunion, local grandfather Charlie Baker recently stated he was “completely fed-up with everyone’s petty buffoonery.” Baker had reportedly set-up the reunion …
