“This Family Has Gone to Shit, Dagnabbit,” Local Grandfather Announces at Family Reunion


Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

When Baker’s daughter suggested that he start looking for retirement homes, he pulled out a knife and said, “You’ll have to take me there in a bodybag.”
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

At a recent Baker family reunion, local grandfather Charlie Baker recently stated he was “completely fed-up with everyone’s petty buffoonery.” Baker had reportedly set-up the reunion with the hopes of bringing the family closer together, but things began to take a turn for the worse when everyone sat down at the dinner table. What started as polite conversation quickly deteriorated into family drama, resulting in a total of 32 eye rolls, 11 exasperated sighs, and five political debates. Baker’s speech reportedly came after the sixth interjection of “well, actually…”

This in-fighting reportedly enraged Baker, who was seen beforehand trying to eat ‘Nana’s old-fashioned barbecued chicken’ in peace. “I’ve lived a good life in the 92 years I’ve been alive and I thank God for every day that goes by,” Baker proclaimed. “That being said, the idea of not having to deal with this family’s bullshit in a couple years is incredible.” Baker’s announcement was shocking to both sides of his family, including his own children. “Look, I love my father,” Baker’s daughter stated. “Can he be a bit eccentric at times? Sure, he’s always been sort of quirky. Usually that’s just dad being dad, but I feel like his outbreak at dinner was a bit much. I think we were all annoyed at Debra talking about her kid’s admission to Harvard like it was the second coming of Christ, but to call her a ‘cheeky lil’ bastard’ to her face instead of politely sipping water and fake smiling? I don’t know, I don’t think that’s how I would have handled that situation.”

Though the entire Baker family was offended at the comments made, few did anything about it. “I didn’t wanna cause a scene,” a family-member, who wished to stay anonymous, sighed. “Everyone was silently at each other’s throats. But if I had let up, that would mean that they won and mama didn’t raise no quitter. I want to eat and laugh as much as the next family, but sometimes you gotta hunker down and pretend you’re having a better time than you actually are.”

“I’m pretty sad, actually,” one distant cousin added. “I’m not super close to everyone, so I didn’t even get the satisfaction of being able to know about why Charlie was chewing people out. It doubly sucks ‘cause everyone left before I could get Robert’s peach cobbler recipe and I’ve been meaning to get that bad boy for ages.”

After several days passed since the reunion took place, Baker refused to back-down and instead reaffirmed his belief that his family was “a bunch of chicken-hearted scamps.” In individual letters, which were mailed to all attendees, Baker continued to vent. “I understand this family comes from all walks of life and we all have very different beliefs,” Baker began. “But I’m a very firm believer in the idea that if you have something to say, you need to just up ‘n say it. And I for one am not afraid to say that this family has gone to hell in a hand-basket. I’m surprised you all have survived so long without spines, you shabbaroons.” Baker canceled any future reunions for the foreseeable future, which was met with a half-hearted collective groan and, later, a few ecstatic tweets.

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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