Matthew Miltimore

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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Oh the Places You’ll Go! (After You Move Back In with Your Parents)

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As I look out upon my novelty calendar featuring inspirational cat photos, I am reminded that I have not a fortnight before I don my gown …

Briefs

Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick: A Guide to Becoming the World’s Best Golf Caddy

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Speak Softly and Carry a Big Stick: A Guide to Becoming the World’s Best Golf Caddy Horace Scope, locally-renowned golf caddy, has begun the press tour …

ArticlesNewsNintendo PowerSpecial IssueStraight from the Source Code

Rising Sea Levels Threaten Minecraft’s Coasts

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As Minecraft tunnels towards its next update, version 1.17, players rejoice in looking forward to…

BriefsNintendo PowerPlayer's PulseSpecial Issue

Have the Shy Guys practiced their public speaking skills?

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Have the Shy Guys practiced their public speaking skills? We’re so glad you asked! Some of the Shy Guys have been working to improve their incessant …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms! vs. Sir, If We Don’t Operate These Kidney Stones Could Kill You.

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Point: You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms! By Lucky The White Whale of Leprechauns Oh ya sneaky little bastards think you’ve gotten to me …

Briefs

Magic 8-Ball Makes Concerning Predictions about Iraq

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Magic 8-Ball Makes Concerning Predictions about Iraq The popular toy and novelty soothsayer, Magic 8-Ball, has garnered significant attention following their appearance on NBC 7 News. …

ArticlesLocalNews

Popular Magician Questioned in Wife’s Disappearance

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“They’ll find the body before that two-bit magician can say, ‘Abra cadaver!’” claimed Tellor.Photo by Maria Dhilla Daniel Siegfried, more commonly known by his stage name, Dynamic …

ArticlesCampusLocalNews

The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day

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The Grinch’s lawyer insisted they addressed the elephant in the room — Horton.Photo by Maria Dhilla Last Tuesday, the Grinch, notably regarded as “a furry green humbug,” …

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Research Finds That Masks Prevent Cartoon Pie Physics

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Studies show that data from this research affects all but 3.14 percent of Americans.Photo by Jack Yang A recent report by the UCSD Institute of Public …

ArticlesNewsTech

Amazon Echo Devices Recalled After Continuously Recommending 2001: A Space Odyssey

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“I’m sorry Dave, I can’t let you watch Netflix or Hulu,” said Alexa.Photo by Jack Yang Following concerns over Alexa’s constant recommendation of Stanley Kubrick’s 1968 film …