November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

The Grinch’s lawyer insisted they addressed the elephant in the room — Horton.
Photo by Maria Dhilla

Last Tuesday, the Grinch, notably regarded as “a furry green humbug,” was convicted on one count of conspiracy to commit grumpy behavior by a jury of his fellow Whos. The crime represents his third mark under Whoville’s “Three Strikes” law, meaning the Grinch’s prison sentence grew three sizes that day.

The Grinch was arrested in November following a raid on his cave-dwelling at the tippity top of snowy Mount Crumpit. A raid in which the Whoville Bureau of Inspectactualation found significant evidence that the Grinch was planning to attempt another heist on Christmas Eve. “Oh yeah, you should have seen what we seized up there,” remarks Inspector Whopert, Director of the WBI. “He had three utterly-sputters parked in his garage, a super-zooperflooper- do in his basement, and one severely modified skeegle-mobile. Not to mention the strange one-antlered reindeer we found chewing on loose glass.” The Grinch was then promptly arrested for conspiracy to commit grumpy behavior, a crime made a felony in nineteenninety- who during Whoville’s War on Grump.

The crime is not the Grinch’s first foray into grumpy behavior. In fact, the Grinch was first arrested following his 1966 attempt to steal Christmas, a crime which was produced by Chuck Jones and narrated by Boris Karloff. While the Grinch ultimately decided to return all the stolen goods and share roast beast with the denizens of Whoville, he was nonetheless arrested and found guilty of robbery. The Grinch’s second crime was the 2018 reboot of his original robbery. The jury found that “just the whole thing was a crime,” although they did admit the soundtrack was compelling. Because of these prior convictions and the 1994 Violent Crime Control and Law Enforcement Act, colloquially known as the “Three-strikes” law, the Grinch faces a distinctly harsh sentence: 45 years in the Whoville Federal Penitentiary where he will be paid two Who-dollars an hour to process beef patties for McDonald’s.

Some Whos, including the Grinch’s Lawyer, LaRue McWho, claim his imprisonment is “a gross injustice of whovallian proportions.” McWho admonished the ruling, saying, “The Grinch’s recidivism represents a failure not on his part, but on Whoville itself. Upon his last release from prison, the Whoville Parole Board did little to help him access stable housing, employment, or the medication necessary to treat his massively enlarged heart.” Other Whos, like Dr. Hoovey, are celebrating the Grinch’s imprisonment. “I can now rest easy knowing that monster isn’t going to sneak into my house through my bendy chimney and steal all my weirdly-named crap,” Hoovey admitted.

There exists little redress for the Grinch and he will likely stay in prison for the full length of his sentence — that is unless Illumination thinks Cumberbatch deserves a sequel.

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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