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ArticlesCampusLocalNews

The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day

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The Grinch’s lawyer insisted they addressed the elephant in the room — Horton.Photo by Maria Dhilla Last Tuesday, the Grinch, notably regarded as “a furry green humbug,” …

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Area Man’s Cologne Now Able to be Smelled Six Feet Away

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“The only reason he wears that is because he likes being the scenter of attention,” complained one Starbucks employee.Photo by Jack Yang In the wake of COVID-19 …

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White House Employees Sabotage Transition, Places Whoopee Cushion in Oval Office

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Highly trained officers are still on the lookout for several cans of Silly String.Photo by Maria Dhilla According to reports from several anonymous sources within the White …

Briefs

Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat

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Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat In a new twist to the annual Spotify Wrapped statistics given to listeners on the platform, Spotify has …

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Gibbs Free Energy Now Costs 10 Dollars

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The protesting molecules claimed, “Y’all are gonna be real sorry once we go on strike and cause the heat deathof the universe.”Photo by Sharon Roth With the …

Briefs

Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog

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Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog In an unexpected move that both horrified and confused consumers nationwide, McDonald’s has announced that they will be serving carbonated eggnog …

Briefs

Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater

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Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater New research from the University of Asking Indirectly for What You Want revealed that a person’s …

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President Trump Sues White House Ravens for Saying “Nevermore”

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Trump was later found muttering, “’Tis some staffer knocking at the Oval Office door. Only this and nothing more.”Photo by Maria Dhilla President Trump has declared a …

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Dr. Fauci Equips Arm-Mounted Syringe Cannon, Intends to Distribute Vaccines “Whether Americans Like It or Not”

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An eyewitness was heard saying, “I’ve never vac-seen a sexier person.”Photo by Jack Yang Last Thursday in Bethesda, Maryland, during the quiet hours before the morning traffic …

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Florida Governor Passes “Frenchifying” Mandate to Boost European Tourism

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The water skier was reportedly heard saying, “Ouiiiii!”Photo by Sharon Roth Many Florida residents are outraged by a new mandate passed by Governor Jean-Claude Bernard requiring all …