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ArticlesCampusLocalNews

The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

The Grinch’s lawyer insisted they addressed the elephant in the room — Horton.Photo by Maria Dhilla Last Tuesday, the Grinch, notably regarded as “a furry green humbug,” …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Man’s Cologne Now Able to be Smelled Six Feet Away

Written by: Jacob King

“The only reason he wears that is because he likes being the scenter of attention,” complained one Starbucks employee.Photo by Jack Yang In the wake of COVID-19 …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

White House Employees Sabotage Transition, Places Whoopee Cushion in Oval Office

Written by: Robert Renfro

Highly trained officers are still on the lookout for several cans of Silly String.Photo by Maria Dhilla According to reports from several anonymous sources within the White …

Briefs

Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat In a new twist to the annual Spotify Wrapped statistics given to listeners on the platform, Spotify has …

ArticlesNewsTech

Gibbs Free Energy Now Costs 10 Dollars

Written by: Sharon Roth

The protesting molecules claimed, “Y’all are gonna be real sorry once we go on strike and cause the heat deathof the universe.”Photo by Sharon Roth With the …

Briefs

Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog In an unexpected move that both horrified and confused consumers nationwide, McDonald’s has announced that they will be serving carbonated eggnog …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

President Trump Sues White House Ravens for Saying “Nevermore”

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Trump was later found muttering, “’Tis some staffer knocking at the Oval Office door. Only this and nothing more.”Photo by Maria Dhilla President Trump has declared a …

Briefs

Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater

Written by: Megan Cox

Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater New research from the University of Asking Indirectly for What You Want revealed that a person’s …

ArticlesLocalNews

Mall Santa “a Little Too Eager” To Let Kid Sit On His Lap

Written by: Megan Cox

Jones reportedly signed a non-disclosure agreement with a statute of limitations claus.Photo by Jack Yang Public suspicion has been rising surrounding Heritage Plaza Mall Santa Carl Jones, …

Briefs

Buddy the Elf Passes Bathroom Singing Bill

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

Buddy the Elf Passes Bathroom Singing Bill December 3 marked the passing of the Singing Rights Bill in the Senate. The bill, proposed by North Pole …