The Grinch Reoffends, Prison Sentence Grows Three Sizes That Day

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

The Grinch’s lawyer insisted they addressed the elephant in the room — Horton.Photo by Maria Dhilla Last Tuesday, the Grinch, notably regarded as “a furry green humbug,” …


Area Man’s Cologne Now Able to be Smelled Six Feet Away

Written by: Jacob King

“The only reason he wears that is because he likes being the scenter of attention,” complained one Starbucks employee.Photo by Jack Yang In the wake of COVID-19 …


Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Spotify Wrapped Now Includes Theft of Wages Stat In a new twist to the annual Spotify Wrapped statistics given to listeners on the platform, Spotify has …


White House Employees Sabotage Transition, Places Whoopee Cushion in Oval Office

Written by: Robert Renfro

Highly trained officers are still on the lookout for several cans of Silly String.Photo by Maria Dhilla According to reports from several anonymous sources within the White …


Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog

Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Mcdonald’s to Serve Carbonated Eggnog In an unexpected move that both horrified and confused consumers nationwide, McDonald’s has announced that they will be serving carbonated eggnog …


Gibbs Free Energy Now Costs 10 Dollars

Written by: Sharon Roth

The protesting molecules claimed, “Y’all are gonna be real sorry once we go on strike and cause the heat deathof the universe.”Photo by Sharon Roth With the …


Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater

Written by: Megan Cox

Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater New research from the University of Asking Indirectly for What You Want revealed that a person’s …


President Trump Sues White House Ravens for Saying “Nevermore”

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Trump was later found muttering, “’Tis some staffer knocking at the Oval Office door. Only this and nothing more.”Photo by Maria Dhilla President Trump has declared a …


Transportation Services Announce New Party Bus Shuttle

Written by: Adam Yoshinaga

UCSD announced their next transportation vehicle: The What Hath God Yacht.Photo by Jack Yang On Sunday, UCSD Transportation Services announced a new shuttle to compensate for the …


How I Went From Lexa-Amateur to Lexapro

Written by: Megan Cox

By Cleo Armstrong Emotionally Numb Bad Bitch Like you all, 2020 has hit me hard. I’m unemployed. Paying rent gets harder and harder every month. My …