November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


White House Employees Sabotage Transition, Places Whoopee Cushion in Oval Office

Written by: Robert Renfro

Highly trained officers are still on the lookout for several cans of Silly String.
Photo by Maria Dhilla

According to reports from several anonymous sources within the White House, the Trump administration has gone even further than many had previously thought possible and taken the unprecedented step of placing a whoopee cushion in preparation for the Biden administration’s arrival.

Previous presidential transitions never involved any pranks, with the possible exception of James Buchanan’s alleged placing of a “Kick Me” sign on Abraham Lincon’s back, although some historians dispute this. One such doubter is presidential historian, Blago Treloar. Treloar reportedly argues, “The story of Buchanan is likely apocryphal. The earliest known source reporting such a tale is a Quora post from 2019.”

“No, this is unlike anything that’s ever happened at the White House. Not only has the current administration denied intelligence information to the forthcoming presidential administration, but, almost just as crucially, they’ve also not informed them where the whoopee cushion even is. This means someone, possibly even the President or Vice President, is going to sit down in the oval office, probably for something important, and — this is the key step — will cause the whoopee cushion to expel air, imitating flatulence, and thereby embarrassing the target. No transition has ever faced such a drastic attack on its legitimacy immediately going in.”

The Trump administration reportedly denied the allegation and fired back with the following response: “Why would we place a whoopee cushion when our court cases are going so well? Think about it: there are two possibilities for what happened during the election. One: There is a massive election-rigging apparatus run by the Democrats that exists in several states, even ones with mostly Republican elected officials, which waited until Trump was already president to spring into action and go to work completely undetected. Or, there’s the other possibility, which is that we lost the election the normal way. In our view, there’s no way the second one happened, so we’ve pretty much got it in the bag with this one, or I guess you could say we’ve got it in the cushion. Anyway, bag closed, er, cushion closed. Um. Case! Case closed.”

A divided nation looks on in surprise. As one voter reportedly put it, “I’ve never seen anything like it, you’re telling me that there’s a little bag of air that you sit on, and it sounds like you farted? That’s amazing. It’s incredible how far technology has come. Oh yeah, the whole political situation seems pretty messed up too, but I’m definitely not paying attention to that until like three and a half years from now.”

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