President Trump Sues White House Ravens for Saying “Nevermore”

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Trump was later found muttering, “’Tis some staffer knocking at the Oval Office door. Only this and nothing more.”
Photo by Maria Dhilla

President Trump has declared a new “political nemesis” — the White House ravens. Following his apparent distress over the official outcome of the presidential election, concerned aides revealed that Trump has filed two suits: a fraud case and a harassment case. The first frames the ravens’ allegedly unnatural caws as contributing to his political defeat, and the next cites the crows themselves adding insult to injury.

According to one of Trump’s personal assistants, who wishes to remain anonymous for fear of legal action by Mr. Trump, and will be referred to as Sharon Hugabee Sanders: “When he learned that the Supreme Court threw out his Pennsylvania case, he became very agitated. Two minutes later, after sending 15 tweets, he requested that the White House legal team look into suing the ravens. At first we thought he meant the football team? But then during meetings he would mutter about a witch hunt while glaring out the window at the lawn, and when we ruled out Halloween decorations, we started to realize he meant the birds.”

According to one Cabinet member, the President is adamant that the birds “rigged” the election in Biden’s favor, which is why they repeat the word “Nevermore” each time they come to knock at his chamber door. “At this point, we are just fabricating evidence of ravens fitted with cameras planted as a Biden campaign tactic to conduct surveillance. Somehow the legal team is framing that as election fraud, but no one can explain to me how the logic holds,” the cabinet member said. In an official White House press release on the matter, the Executive Office cited new anti-homeless spikes on Presidential garden benches as an installation well worth the investment for its value in deterring the unwanted avian presence.

Regardless of its legal validity, the movement has reportedly caught on across social media platforms. Despite Twitter’s best efforts to flag posts about the lawsuits, the hashtag #DirtyBirds is trending nationwide, alongside #BleakDecember in criticism of the electoral college as a “covid conspiracy.” Reactionary tags have also emerged. Liberal Supreme Court activists have reportedly coined #MidnightAppointmentsDreary in continued protest of the Barrett confirmation, while #MerelyThisAndNothingMore has circulated among those with confidence that constitutional checks and balances will preserve the peaceful transition.

Sanders suspects that the President’s most recent legal “tantrum” and accusations of being harassed by birds of omen are probably the result of his grief over losing the election. “This is his first ever genuine loss. I mean, he’s a silver spoon trust fund kid who has never known true failure. He wants to tear the system down with him in his distress, like a flailing crab.” Insider reports from Pennsylvania reveal that this may be a diversionary tactic to draw attention away from discussions of influencing the Republican-controlled Pennsylvania legislature to appoint an alternate set of electors. “The voting isn’t even really final until mid-December when the electors cast their votes,” Sanders commented. “As if this year wasn’t enough of a mess, anything can happen between now and then.”

In the meantime, UCSD campus Republicans have reportedly continued to organize #DirtyBirds protests on campus, but most students arrived with signs criticizing the new Price Center wings restaurant, claiming the “Fall of the House of Rubios.”

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

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