“The only reason he wears that is because he likes being the scenter of attention,” complained one Starbucks employee.
Photo by Jack Yang
In the wake of COVID-19 regulations, many single people have complained that the lack of meet-up spots has severely impacted their “game.” As venues like bars and gyms have been closed for months and more people have reached the stage where they are contemplating signing up for a third dating app, San Diego resident Robert Patola has been wondering how he could attract potential partners. “Normal, sane actions during the pandemic, like wearing masks and avoiding high-population areas are the opposite of what single people do to get some,” said Patola. “But in the midst of these problems, I’ve found the best solution possible: using an entire bottle of $150 cologne every week!”
“I really think it’s great for a variety of reasons,” continued Patola. “First, it’s a great conversation starter. I walk into a room and all the girls go, ‘Hey, what’s that smell?’ And the answer is me! I’m that smell.” Patola claimed that he has been trying this method every day since the lockdown restrictions have ended, going to open businesses such as grocery stores, pharmacies, and ICUs, to see if his cologne attracts attention.
One Starbucks barista who wished to remain anonymous isn’t too happy with Patola’s experiment. “He comes in every day and orders the cheapest thing on the menu and then pretends to drop his wallet. He then pushes his armpit up against the little opening in the plastic screen and looks at me until I give him a reaction. God, I wish he would stay another six feet away.” These sentiments have been echoed by many retail workers that Patola has come into contact with. A total of 56 women have reported being disgusted by the smell of the cologne. When presented with those figures, Patola expressed excitement and gratitude.
The question of where Patola gets his mysterious cologne is no longer a mystery. After some investigation, it was discovered that the cologne he was buying is not from a large manufacturer, but instead, his neighbor Irene Greene. “Yeah, I sell him that stuff,” said Greene. “I just mix half a Febreeze bottle and rat poison into a cologne bottle and call it a day.” When asked why she started selling the cologne, Greene said “At the start of this year, my 13 year-old daughter told me that some guy that smelt bad was harassing her at the mall. I didn’t realize it was Robert until he asked me to sniff his armpit to see if it ‘gave me the women’s equivalent of a boner.’ That’s when I knew I had to get him back somehow.”
This simple formula does deliver on some of its promises, though. In the last few days, all those who have encountered Patola have said they could smell him from distances much larger than 6ft. The smell also lasted longer than most colognes, giving up to 48-hours of a “crisp, chemically sweet smell,” even after multiple showers. When asked if she had any regrets selling such a strong substance, Greene said, “In the short term, it may have some negative effects, but I think I’m using the rat poison for exactly its intended purpose.”