Scientists Prove You Should Buy a Gemini a Goose Sweater

New research from the University of Asking Indirectly for What You Want revealed that a person’s quality of life would improve by 420 percent if they buy their Gemini friend a goose sweater. The academic publication said specifically to buy the light blue goose sweater from koriamerica.com size XL. Even more shockingly, the researchers specified further saying to get the full benefits, you must give the goose sweater to your Gemini friend only if they are 5’11”, blonde, queer, studying writing, and is nicknamed after legumes.

Sociologists have scoured the world to find a person who fits this incredibly specific description and found that only MQ Managing Editor Megan “Beans” Cox from San Diego, California fits all these requirements. Cox stated: “This research completely caught me by surprise. It is such a strange coincidence, because I actually quite love geese and look really sexy in oversize sweaters. How strange.”

Another research paper from I’m Actually Not Joking University said that one will also experience a jump in your quality of life if you give “Mama Chia Blackberry” Chia Seed Power Pouches, an HBO Euphoria Soundtrack Vinyl, and an edible, chocolate-covered fruit arrangement to a person of the same description. The most benefits, however, will be received when buying and giving the goose sweater.