Studies show that data from this research affects all but 3.14 percent of Americans.
Photo by Jack Yang
A recent report by the UCSD Institute of Public Health determined that, due to widespread mask-use, this upcoming fall season will see a dramatic drop in the rate of individuals cartoonishly lifted through the air by the smell of a delicious pie cooling on a windowsill.
The report comes with the conclusion of a study conducted by Dr. Gotyer Knowes and their team of dedicated researchers. “I am completely confident in our results” claims Dr. Knowes. “Our research has found that masks, whether they be surgical, reusable, or those disgusting neck gaiters, all significantly reduce the chance that a subject will be cast into the sky by the smelly tendrils of a particularly aromatic pie.” While Knowes assured that all mask options have proven to be effective anti-pie lifters, the study did find clear discrepancies based on the type of pie. “Apple, pumpkin, cherry, these are all pies with very strong aroma attractors, or smell grabbers if we want to use the technical term,” reports Dr. Knowes, “but for some reason pecan pie hardly ever causes scent floatation. Our tests showed that, even without a mask, nobody was drawn towards pecan pie. I guess it’s just a shitty pastry.”
Dr. Knowes findings have proved to be a point of celebration for many pie-baking aficionados across the county. “I have never felt more secure in the sanctity of my treats” claims Shawn Curly, a self-described “pie-guy” and frequent baker of sweet, fruity treats. “For too long, people have been drawn to my windowsill by the scent of my unattended pies. I’ve tried security measures before. Cameras. Tripwires. A big boulder. None of them have been able to prevent hungry individuals from reaching my crusty boys through scent-based flight. I’ve had to replace 12 windows over the last five years. Who knew it would only take continued mask-use resulting from complete lack of governmental response to a nine-month-long pandemic. I could have made that happen sooner.”
While Curly has welcomed the new findings, other bakers have found the news to be discouraging. “Sure, everyone in the neighborhood stealing my pies via aroma-glide was annoying at first, but then it became part of the fun,” remarks Susan Shaker, a baker and pie-maker. “Now, with the discovery that masks prevent aerial pie attraction, I feel like I’m missing a huge part of the season. For some people, fall is crunchy leaves, flannels, and pumpkins. Not for me. My fall is all about people stealing my pies. I can’t see my grandkids either. I am so alone.”
This fall will certainly see a marked decrease in the amount of pie-float cases. However, not everyone wears a mask, and Dr. Knowes advises individuals to “stay away from areas with known pie-activity or you risk the chance of coming into contact with anti-maskers or those people who wear a mask but don’t cover the nose.”
Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.