You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms! vs. Sir, If We Don’t Operate These Kidney Stones Could Kill You.

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Written by: Matthew Miltimore


You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms!

By Lucky
The White Whale of Leprechauns

Oh ya sneaky little bastards think you’ve gotten to me this time, don’tcha. You think you could lure ol’ Lucky into a clever little trap, huh? I know you. I know your roguish methods. For nearly 60 years we’ve been playing this cat-and-mouse game, but I’ll be dead in the ground before your sticky little fingers can even graze one of me goddamn lucky charms!

I walk this accursed Earth in my silly little costume, burdened to protect these charms, my precious lucky charms. I am Sisyphus with a boulder of whole-grain oat, and I will push my metaphorical rock with peace of mind and gentle solace. I draw no pleasure from these charms. I am driven only by my duty and fealty to the balanced breakfast.

What I have done in a past life to be condemned to such a painful existence in this one — I do not know. What self-aggrandizing, hubristic, hamartia-filled man was I to be charged with this wicked and eternal affair? What loving god can cause such agony? I have screamed these questions into the void, and the abyss has offered no resolve. Yet I know a creature like I needs no god. I already have my faith. The crunch of the charms is my deity, and I its intrepid disciple. The sugary milk is both my gospel and my communion. When I feed upon this most holy flesh, I am strength personified. They’re magically delicious.

So no sir, I won’t buy into your game for a single moment. Do you really think I would let my guard down so easily? You think I wouldn’t see through your little disguise? You’re just like the rest of those kids who have chased me to every edge of this planet. You’ll never get ahold of me lucky charms!


Sir, If We Don’t Operate These Kidney Stones Could Kill You.

By Dr. James McCereal
Stethoscope Savant

Sir, I understand that this news has upset you, but we absolutely need to remove these kidney stones as soon as possible. I do not know why you consider your serious medical condition to be lucky, but I have never in my many years of practicing medicine ever seen a case this severe. You have somehow managed to develop all four types of kidney stones. Calcium, struvite, uric acid, cystine stones, they’re all there. Perhaps the most strange of all, our x-ray scans revealed these stones to be in the shape of hearts, stars, clovers, and moons.

It is truly a marvel that you were even able to fly your hot-air balloon over here. Now, I recognize that you, being a self-employed magical creature, do not have access to healthcare, and I regret to inform you that this hospital does not accept sugary confections as a valid form of payment. Perhaps you could find a way to foot the bill at the end of the rainbow. Nonetheless, it is critical that we perform surgery to remove these stones from your ureters and bladder. Our initial tests revealed that you are likely suffering from a severe infection. Additionally, your urine — albeit rainbow-colored and sweetsmelling — had an alarming presence of red and brown.

I also recommend that following the procedure you see a dietician, as you are in dire need of a radical change in lifestyle. Eating nothing but sugary cereal has done irreparable damage to your body. It is by no means a balanced breakfast. Let me add that drinking solely whole milk has led you to be severely dehydrated. I have no doubt that your diet is a direct cause of your condition today. I know this a lot to consider, so I’m going to leave you for a moment while you think about what I have told you. In the meantime, you have a visitor. A rather athletic-looking tiger is here to see you.

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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