Volume 27 Issue 5
Target to Hold “Birthday Season” Sale
Annual birth rate goals were reached across all participating locations.Photo by Maria Dhilla A recent press release from the retail company Target announced plans to hold a …
Brave Senator Thwarts Human Rights Measure
Brave Senator Thwarts Human Rights Measure On March 5, when counting a vote on whether or not to increase the federal minimum wage to 15 dollars …
Paddington The Bear Added to FBI’s Most Wanted List
After sampling Pooh’s honey, Paddington said, “Oh yeah! This shit is pure!”Photo by Sharon Roth Described as “wearing a charming button down, with surprisingly soft brown fur, …
Area Man Experiences Brief Sexual Thrill After Seeing Someone Unmask
Area Man Experiences Brief Sexual Thrill After Seeing Someone Unmask The emotion Raphael Fratangeli felt upon witnessing a complete stranger’s full, unmasked face was, in his …
Elon Musk Provokes Fight After Spitting On Lime Green Kia Soul
“Without his money,” said Bladaire, “he’s just an Elon husk of a man.”Photo by Jack Yang On February 23, a dangerous fight broke out in the parking …
Local Pre-Law Student Mourned by All
Local Pre-Law Student Mourned by All The entire UCSD community is in mourning following the loss of local pre-law student, Shmexter Shmamilton. Known by his peers …
Local Student Only Pays $1,400 of Tuition Because They “Paid the Rest of It in Earlier Quarters”
“I’m running a personal deficit,” Ramirez said. “The school is lucky they’re getting anything at all.”Photo by Jack Yang Local student Abby Ramirez recently exposed a loophole …
Kraft Singles Ad
A last-ditch effort to get lonely folks to buy more kraft singles. Has American capitalism gone too far?
You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms! vs. Sir, If We Don’t Operate These Kidney Stones Could Kill You.
Point: You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms! By Lucky The White Whale of Leprechauns Oh ya sneaky little bastards think you’ve gotten to me …