After sampling Pooh’s honey, Paddington said, “Oh yeah! This shit is pure!”
Photo by Sharon Roth
Described as “wearing a charming button down, with surprisingly soft brown fur, and the ever-present scent of marmalade,” London resident Paddington “The Bear’’ looks harmless. But to America’s top grade personnel, he is bearsona non grata. Current Director of The Federal Bureau of Investigation Walrus Jon-Bovi stated “I haven’t seen a motherfucker this serious since Snowden, or maybe even Ivan the goddamn Terrible. He’s as notorious as a war criminal here in the States.”
“His crime? Marmalade. His sentence? Execution — possibly worse,” said Jon-Bovi. He shared that the laborious killing device portrayed in Czech author Franz Kafka’s short story “In The Penal Colony” is fair grounds for “the hell he’s paid during the impenetrable Marmalade exchange which was, in reality, an international underground Jam trading route worth over seven billion dollars.” Paddington was last seen in London, disappearing after a warrant for his arrest was issued by the FBI.
Jon-Bovi’s longtime dislike for crushed fruit has made him a figurehead of the anti-spread movement, having previously petitioned for a series of laws to limit international jam and jelly production, a move opponents of his platform call the “War on Marmalade.” Jon-Bovi said, “I don’t like pitted fruit of any kind. When I was a child my Nana told me that apricot stones were the devil’s eye looking for the perfect misbehaving little walrus to suck some fresh blood out of.”
The theories on Paddington’s whereabouts are endless, with many speculating how he may be hiding in luxury with fellow actors from movies rated 100% on Rotten Tomatoes. The FBI responded immediately to this speculation, proclaiming that any individuals harboring a fugitive of the law are subject to arrest, a statement the NAACP says is “reminescent of anti-communist sentiment present in Hollywood’s Red Scare era.” The official Paddington Twitter seems to remain oblivious to the possibility of infiltration, recently tweeting “Some lovely account marmalade to start my day! Jolly good” and, more shockingly, “Today Paddington learned malware injecting, off to a bloody great start!
Last week, an unconfirmed Instagram live stream lasting over 24 hours showed a frazzled-looking Paddington ravaging dozens of Marmalade jars on a marble desk, hollering “They’re painting me out to be the bad bear, this is the last time you’ll see a polite bear do the jam game like me.” Animal cruelty organization PETA has also become involved in the situation releasing an anti-Jon-Bovi tweet stating “Free the bear, Skin the Walrus” which was shortly taken down as the intern was not aware that walrus was a real life animal. The intern apologized, tweeting “My bad. I thought I was referencing Wolf Of Walrus with Leonardo DiCapricorn as WALL-E.”
This twisted saga may not be resolved until international travel is safe again and the globe is vaccinated. Nonetheless, a local boom in underground orchards has caused concern for children’s exposure to possible jam production, with many several news publications proclaiming, “If you or anyone you know ingested jam in the past week, please call the FBI immediately, you may have been subject to biological apricot warfare.” Paddington, standing at 3’6, is as of now, still at large.
