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ArticlesCampusLocalNews

Target to Hold “Birthday Season” Sale

Written by: Yuri Bukhradze

Annual birth rate goals were reached across all participating locations.Photo by Maria Dhilla A recent press release from the retail company Target announced plans to hold a …

Briefs

Brave Senator Thwarts Human Rights Measure

Written by: Andrew Sitko

Brave Senator Thwarts Human Rights Measure On March 5, when counting a vote on whether or not to increase the federal minimum wage to 15 dollars …

ArticlesLocalNewsPolitics

Paddington The Bear Added to FBI’s Most Wanted List

Written by: Emily Cronan

After sampling Pooh’s honey, Paddington said, “Oh yeah! This shit is pure!”Photo by Sharon Roth Described as “wearing a charming button down, with surprisingly soft brown fur, …

Briefs

Area Man Experiences Brief Sexual Thrill After Seeing Someone Unmask

Written by: Aniela Drumonde

Area Man Experiences Brief Sexual Thrill After Seeing Someone Unmask The emotion Raphael Fratangeli felt upon witnessing a complete stranger’s full, unmasked face was, in his …

ArticlesLocalNews

Elon Musk Provokes Fight After Spitting On Lime Green Kia Soul

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

“Without his money,” said Bladaire, “he’s just an Elon husk of a man.”Photo by Jack Yang On February 23, a dangerous fight broke out in the parking …

Briefs

Local Pre-Law Student Mourned by All

Written by: Gage Tanzman

Local Pre-Law Student Mourned by All The entire UCSD community is in mourning following the loss of local pre-law student, Shmexter Shmamilton. Known by his peers …

ArticlesCampusLocalNews

Local Student Only Pays $1,400 of Tuition Because They “Paid the Rest of It in Earlier Quarters”

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

“I’m running a personal deficit,” Ramirez said. “The school is lucky they’re getting anything at all.”Photo by Jack Yang Local student Abby Ramirez recently exposed a loophole …

Sunday Comics

Kraft Singles Ad

Written by: Sharon Roth

A last-ditch effort to get lonely folks to buy more kraft singles. Has American capitalism gone too far?

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms! vs. Sir, If We Don’t Operate These Kidney Stones Could Kill You.

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

Point: You’ll Never Get Ahold of Me Lucky Charms! By Lucky The White Whale of Leprechauns Oh ya sneaky little bastards think you’ve gotten to me …

Sunday Comics

Murder Mystery

Written by: Maria Dhilla

This is the result of reading 20+ mystery novels.