“Without his money,” said Bladaire, “he’s just an Elon husk of a man.”
Photo by Jack Yang
On February 23, a dangerous fight broke out in the parking lot of a Jimbo’s grocery store in Jasentown, Georgia between resident Frad Bladaire and local billionaire Elon Musk. “I was just walking with my groceries, and I saw some egg suckin’ dawg standing near my Jerad! That’s my car’s name. Jerad’s a Kia Soul,” said Bladaire, scowling. “And I mean dawg spelled with an ‘aw’ instead of an ‘o’.”
According to Christine Carson, who “just happened to pass by,” Musk was “checking himself out in the passenger window of the car and trying to hide his receding hairline.”
“He was takin’ a gander at Frad’s car’s winder and fiddling with his pretty-boy hair. It looked like he was measurin’ his forehead when we saw him lean in,” Carson claimed. “Next thing we know, he hocks a giant loogie into the winder he was looking at!”
Shortly after Musk spit on the car, Bladaire was seen sprinting through the parking lot. “I have never seen Frad so angry in my life. He looked like the Road Runner and Wile E. Coyote morphed into one large, mean, white man,” Bladare’s wife, Rusha, told the police. She continued, “He loves his lime green toaster car, so the fight was mainly about Frad’s hefty dose of God-given self-respect. Frankly, I’m just grateful he didn’t bring out Ol’ Trix during the fight.” Further questioning revealed “Ol’ Trix” is Bladaire’s name for his pump-action Remington 7600 shotgun.
Onlookers described the fight as “brutal.” Susie-Anne Abernathy, who watched from her cookie-selling table, said, “It was downright sad. That one man ran so fast towards the other, and started beatin’ him bloody. The rich one was as weak as a newborn calf! He reminded me and my friends of when our daddies fight the mechanical bull at Jeremy’s Bar. The bull really tussles ‘em up, ya’ know?”
Jasentown residents have since been in uproar about the billionaire’s presence in the community. Many locals have spoken out about how Musk has changed the dynamics of the town. Christopher Hopp, at a recent town hall meeting, said “He just simply don’t belong. His… uh, wife? His girlfriend? A gal that got involved with a strange man and can’t go back? Uh, his whatever don’t eat no meat, and he drives a real doohickey. It’s real interestin’ to me and the rest of the town, but not interestin’ enough to keep him stayin’. He thinks he’s such an important person ‘cause his car’s all fancy-like, but, when you get down to it, that don’t matter much ‘round here.”
As he was shoved into the back of a police car, Bladaire gave one last comment to reporters. “I saw red. The moment that got-damn one-percenter fool decided to hock a loogie onto my beautiful Jerad, that was the moment I was prepared to die. Now listen, I know my car is a piece of absolute garbage, trash in its purest form, probably the grossest thing I have ever seen made into a vehicle — but at the end of the day it’s my piece of trash shit-car.”
Upon questioning, Musk only said, “What do you want? A comment? Tell people to get better jobs and buy better cars, then I wouldn’t have to look at garbage like that in the parking lot.”
Whether you’re at a FOOSH showcase or an MQ meeting, you’ll be sure to hear Hanaa Moosavi laugh—even through her own jokes, and we love her for it. You can catch Hanaa lurking on Facebook, serving her god Mark Zuckerberg as the Muir Quarterly Social and Publicity Ottoman. Hanaa has also been sighted chowing down on her favorite food in the Muir quad, developing her latest scheme to become the first emperor of America: one chaotic MQ comic at a time. That is, when she isn’t crying over dog pictures.
