Written by: Matthew Miltimore

Magic 8-Ball Makes Concerning Predictions about Iraq

The popular toy and novelty soothsayer, Magic 8-Ball, has garnered significant attention following their appearance on NBC 7 News. After being asked if they believe the United States will continue its withdrawal of troops from Iraq, Magic 8-Ball responded with a bleak “very doubtful.”

Their prediction comes as little surprise, considering Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin’s announcement that the United States would retaliate against a recent Iraqi missile strike. When asked to comment on the attack, Magic 8-Ball initially refused, claiming they “better not say,” but after a semi-truck driving past the studio caused Magic 8-Ball to shake, they admitted that the “outlook is not so good.” When asked, “Why should we trust the divination of a children’s knick-knack?” Magic 8-Ball responded with characteristic humility, simply stating “the answer is unclear.”

Despite doubts of Magic 8-Ball’s credibility, the clairvoyant toy has remained a frequent correspondent for foreign affairs ever since their assertion that President Bush, following his 2003 “Mission Accomplished” announcement, should “concentrate and ask again.

Staff Writer at The MQ

Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.

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