Photo by Matthew Miltimore
As Minecraft tunnels towards its next update, version 1.17, players rejoice in looking forward to revamped generation of cliffs and caves. However, Minecraft scientists have little time to celebrate, as they remain diligently focused on countering the largest existential threat faced by Steves and Alexes everywhere: Minecraft climate change.
Mojang, the development team behind the game so beloved by children and adults who miss Legos, has always strived to “construct a game filled with rich and diverse biomes which themselves encompass a larger, interconnected biosphere,” according to Mojang’s Chief Creative Officer, Saxs Persson. “And yes, my name is real, despite it sounding like an alien trying to pass-off as a jazz musician.”
While this wide range of biomes has allowed players to discover the wonders of the natural world through a “sticky little keyboard,” it is this exploration which now threatens Minecraft’s most vulnerable ecosystems. “Minecraft players have always ventured into the wonderful, procedurally-generated biomes of their worlds, yet they do so not to revel in natural beauty, but to extract and exploit its most precious resources,” claimed Beeb Sleeve, renowned Minecraft conservationist. “From felling whole tracts of rainforest, to massive monocropping operations, players fail to protect the land they respawn upon.”
Dr. Plaicyne Blauks, a premiere Minecraft physicist, shares Sleeve’s concern, and added that “perhaps the most damaging behavior performed by players today is the continued mining and burning of coal. See, when players burn coal to smelt iron ore, or to cook beef into steak, they release carbon dioxide. This gas is then trapped in the atmosphere which then raises the world’s temperature. I would call this the greenhouse effect, but I just built a sick house out of green terracotta, and I don’t want the negative connotation to harsh my vibe.”
The rising temperatures alone may not have been such a big problem, but following the 2018 addition of the “frozen ocean” biome, Minecraft players are now faced with a major environmental crisis. “Now that icebergs and glaciers are a core part of the game, the rising temperatures are causing these ice formations to melt and sea levels to subsequently rise,” remarked Dr. Blauks. “Coastal systems throughout Minecraft worlds are now at significant risk.”
“The first thing to go was my sugarcane farm,” claimed x_FutureDilf_x, a long-time Minecraft player and Twitch streamer. “That sugarcane coast was how I built my enchantment room. With it gone, I feel lost, like a piece of me is missing. Of course, I already have a fully-automatic, tileable 30-story automatic farm, but it’s just not the same with the original gone.”
Mr. Dilf and players like him are not the only ones affected by rising sea levels. Several villages near the coast have become partially submerged and many villagers forced to relocate. When asked to comment, one of these climate refugees simply replied, “Hurrgh.”
Flattened in a distro cart accident, the MQ replaced his bones with leftover printer ink. With his increased lank, Matt has become a pivotal writer for the MQ through his fluidity. Whether demonstrated through his mastery of satire or being used as a keycard when we lock ourselves out of the office, Matt is a key asset to the writing team.