Ghostbusters Caught Releasing Ghosts in Alleged Criminal Profiteering Scheme


Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

“Who are you gonna call?” asked the judge. “You better start by calling your lawyers.”
Photo by: Hannah Lykins

In a recent public statement, New York City Police Commissioner James O’Neill announced that the Ghostbusters were arrested following a no-knock raid at their headquarters. Following the raid, police were seen carrying out laptops and official documents. The arrest was highly criticized by phasmophobics like Trent Arellano who were reportedly feeling “quite spooked.” Arellano later took to social media to voice his concern, posting, “I don’t know what I’m going to do when I see a ghost now. Who am I gonna call?”

Despite this, Commissioner O’Neill brushed away any criticism of the arrests, explaining that the Ghostbusters had been engaging in criminal profiteering by knowingly releasing captured ghosts back into New York City to “double-dip” on any jobs that could arise from the capture of the phantoms. Commissioner O’Neill also made an open plea to legislators in New York, asking that further regulation be drafted to combat the “lenient” legislation in the paranormal sector. “By patenting and copyrighting all equipment and brand imagery they have, the Ghostbusters have created a monopoly, which forbids any competitors from entering the market. They may not ‘be afraid of no ghost,’ but they’re certainly terrified of healthy business practices.”

Each member of the team was held with a $500 thousand bail which was met within mere hours of being arrested. Peter Venkman, leader of the Ghostbusters, released a written statement shortly after his release. “The allegations brought forward by Commissioner O’Neill are wholly wrong,” Venkman stated. “My team and I work diligently to capture all sorts of ghouls across the city, and the notion that we abuse our customers — the people of this city — is hysterical. All of our cases include a five-year, re-haunting warranty which O’Neill and the city of New York refused to mention in their attacks on me and my team. Living in New York City is frightening enough on its own, and at least we’re trying to do something about it.

Though many citizens have spoken out against the arrests, various spirits from across the city have voiced their approval. “They were horrible,” Epoch, a local wraith, stated. “I’m already damned for all eternity to see my lover’s murderer every time I close my eyes, but when I was captured, I finally felt like I could relax in peace. And then the Ghostbusters just released me in a different part of the city which made my eternal damnation feel like a lifetime. And it’s not like you can hide to avoid capture. I mean, shit, I’m a seven-foot-tall, purple widow who constantly wails out in mourning every few hours. I might as well be holding a giant target that says, ‘Aim your Proton Pack Here!’”

Though the Ghostbusters currently face legal issues, their public support has not faltered. One woman, who found it necessary to clarify that she was not paid in any way for her statement, issued an enthusiastic message of encouragement. “Sure, they may destroy thousands of dollars’ worth of property all around the city,” she began. “And yeah, the allegations of undermining the very industry they’re engaging in are pretty bad, but at the end of the day, you gotta love ‘em! They’ve got action figures and other merch at all your favorite toy stores, and they’re about to start franchising all over the country! Plus, Ray Parker, Jr. made a song about them, and I hear there might be a sick clearance sale on CD’s of that poppin’ soundtrack on the 8th and 29th! Everything must go!”

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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