Steven Zhou

Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.

Briefs

Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love

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Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love Katherine Zimmerman, local mother, has reportedly offered unconditional love to her three sons pending approval of her terms and conditions. …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

I Love You vs. ty

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Point: I Love You Salutations my fair maiden, Prithee, come to me, will you? I shan’t take too much of your time with this proposition of …

ArticlesLocalNews

Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans

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One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that …

Briefs

University of California Sponsors Next Season of The Bachelor to Decide Next UC President

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University of California Sponsors Next Season of The Bachelor to Decide Next UC President Following UC President Janet Napolitano’s plans of resignation from her position in …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Writer Admitted to Jacobs Burn Center Due to Burnout

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A further look into Stefanovic’s computer revealed 37 work-in-progress documents.Photo by Jack Yang UCSD student Joe Stefanovic, a 20 year-old satire writer, has recently been admitted to …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Dear Santa, why didn’t I get any presents this year? vs. You’re 35, Bill

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Point: Dear Santa, why didn’t I get any presents this year? Dear Santa, My name is Bill, and I have a question to ask you. Why …

Briefs

“Most Realistic Horoscope Ever” Requires Social Security Number

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“Most Realistic Horoscope Ever” Requires Social Security Number Constellar, a horoscope app touting its “incredibly realistic horoscope readings,” has recently become the most downloaded horoscope app …

ArticlesNewsPolitics

Trump’s Tariffs Activate Xi Jinping’s Trap Card, Lowers America’s Attack Points by 500

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Trump later assured the American public that he bought “the best cards. The most expensive, most valuable, rarest cards.”Photo by Jessica Ma Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham …

ArticlesCampusNews

Freshman Shocked to Discover Nobody Cares About His AP Scores

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“You think I can use my five on the AP Stats test for anything other than bragging rights?” asked Shultz. “I paid too much for it …

ArticlesNews

VMAs Announce New “Urban Music” Category to “Celebrate Diversity”

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The committee ultimately decided that Eminem wouldn’t be a part of the section due to his “clearly suburban haircut.”Photo by Jack Yang After their controversial decision …