Steven Zhou
Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love
Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love Katherine Zimmerman, local mother, has reportedly offered unconditional love to her three sons pending approval of her terms and conditions. …
I Love You vs. ty
Point: I Love You Salutations my fair maiden, Prithee, come to me, will you? I shan’t take too much of your time with this proposition of …
Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans
One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that …
University of California Sponsors Next Season of The Bachelor to Decide Next UC President
University of California Sponsors Next Season of The Bachelor to Decide Next UC President Following UC President Janet Napolitano’s plans of resignation from her position in …
Area Writer Admitted to Jacobs Burn Center Due to Burnout
A further look into Stefanovic’s computer revealed 37 work-in-progress documents.Photo by Jack Yang UCSD student Joe Stefanovic, a 20 year-old satire writer, has recently been admitted to …
Dear Santa, why didn’t I get any presents this year? vs. You’re 35, Bill
Point: Dear Santa, why didn’t I get any presents this year? Dear Santa, My name is Bill, and I have a question to ask you. Why …
“Most Realistic Horoscope Ever” Requires Social Security Number
“Most Realistic Horoscope Ever” Requires Social Security Number Constellar, a horoscope app touting its “incredibly realistic horoscope readings,” has recently become the most downloaded horoscope app …
Trump’s Tariffs Activate Xi Jinping’s Trap Card, Lowers America’s Attack Points by 500
Trump later assured the American public that he bought “the best cards. The most expensive, most valuable, rarest cards.”Photo by Jessica Ma Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham …
Freshman Shocked to Discover Nobody Cares About His AP Scores
“You think I can use my five on the AP Stats test for anything other than bragging rights?” asked Shultz. “I paid too much for it …
VMAs Announce New “Urban Music” Category to “Celebrate Diversity”
The committee ultimately decided that Eminem wouldn’t be a part of the section due to his “clearly suburban haircut.”Photo by Jack Yang After their controversial decision …
