One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”
Photo by Jack Yang
Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that SIO has successfully bred the first hybrid human-whale organism. According to the institution, this has been an ongoing project since 2003 at the request of former president George W. Bush, who was reportedly concerned his leniency to oil companies would cause harm to the environment. Inside his Texan house with the thermostat set to 65 degrees, President Bush commented that he was “proud of funding this project because, as we can see today, there is absolutely nothing we can do to stop the world from warming. Yup. Literally zilch. Carbon taxing, reliance on renewable energy, changing our dietary habits, reducing water waste, avoiding deforestation, creating sustainable transportation, are all just unrealistic half-solutions brought to you by idealistic liberals.”
In a public statement given by Birch Aquarium, where the human-whale hybrid currently resides, Lienen shared: “Through the hard work of our biologists and breakthroughs in CRISPR technology, we were able to splice in large segments of human DNA into the DNA of a beluga whale.” While the hybrid organism is not yet available for viewing by the public, invited sources report that it has the facial features and feet of a human, the body of a cetacean, and the swimming skills of “a desperate crab being boiled alive.” Sources also noted that the hybrid’s face looked “shockingly similar to Ted Cruz.” Leaked photos circulating online appear to confirm these observations.
Public response to the news has been overwhelmingly negative. A poll from Gallup shows that 83 percent of responders did not want such a program to continue. Patricia Evans from Montgomery, Alabama commented that “this thing they’ve created is an abomination against God! And for what? Some fairy-tale theory that the world is going to burn? First they change my normal light bulbs to those shitty, blue fluorescent ones, then they create them useless paper straws that dissolve in my mouth when I drink a coke. I’m telling you, global warming could be reversed if this country just had a little more faith in Jesus.”
Ella Polanski from San Francisco, California expressed similar discomfort with SIO’s creation of the hybrid human-whale. “It feels like even the scientists have given up on trying to solve global warming with real solutions. We don’t need these human-whale monsters. What we need is everyone to go buy a $40 water bottle, a $20 reusable straw, and this $120 pair of shoes I found on Instagram made out of 10% recycled materials. Maybe we could raise gas prices so people will be forced to either switch to a Tesla or not have a car. If we just keep buying new, sustainable things and replacing them when something better comes around, we wouldn’t even need to become whales in the first place.”
Despite the backlash, Lienen has confirmed SIO will continue to improve their human-whale hybrid organism, with SIO’s next goal being to create a hybrid that also has hominid hands so the hybrid can physically grab plastic pollution in the ocean and throw it away on shore. With a sigh of exasperation, Lienen added: “Maybe we’ll try to make them a bit smarter than us too.”
Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.
