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Briefs

Local CS Major Abandons App Design Made Just as a Resume Booster

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Local CS Major Abandons App Design Made Just as a Resume Booster Justin Flannigan, a third-year Computer Science major, stopped production on his application FaceIt that …

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Valentine’s Day Goes Paperless to Appeal to “Those Whiny Kids”

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Kids lauded the move as a “true act of love” toward the Earth.Photo by Silver Wallace In a bid to reconcile outdated courting practices, major Valentine’s card …

Briefs

Best Actor Goes to a White Man for the First Time Since 2018

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Best Actor Goes to a White Man for the First Time Since 2018 In radical recognition of the diversity of white talent in the modern film …

ArticlesLocalNews

Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans

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One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that …

ArticlesCampusLocalNewsPolitics

Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII

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Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”Photo by Jack Yang On Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Man Just Waiting for an Opportunity to Talk About the Horses Outside of PF Chang’s

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“I don’t know who I am anymore without the horse” says Chou, when asked by officers to get off the horse.Photo by Jack Yang Local man Devin …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Man Can’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring up Gore at the Dinner Table

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After performing his “sausage as noose” routine for the fourth night in a row, Jason Roth reportedly told his disapproving mother, “What do you mean mom? …

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Child Politician Criticized for Inconsistency After Position on Favorite Color Changes

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Wilson responded to critics: “What can I say? I don’t see color.”Photo by Jack Yang Five year-old politician Desmond Wilson recently stated that his favorite color is …

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Student Proposes $300 AirPod "Earrings"

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Following the release of the product, both ear infection rates and the model’s Instagram follower count reportedly skyrocketed.Photo by Sharon Roth Reports find that Apple’s wireless earbuds …

Top 10

Top Ten Things Your Mom Was Right About All Along

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Top Ten Things Your Mom Was Right About All Along You really did need that jacket That boy was up to no good You are just …