Best Actor Goes to a White Man for the First Time Since 2018

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Best Actor Goes to a White Man for the First Time Since 2018 In radical recognition of the diversity of white talent in the modern film …


Local CS Major Abandons App Design Made Just as a Resume Booster

Written by: Hanaa Moosavi

Local CS Major Abandons App Design Made Just as a Resume Booster Justin Flannigan, a third-year Computer Science major, stopped production on his application FaceIt that …


Valentine’s Day Goes Paperless to Appeal to “Those Whiny Kids”

Written by: Ram Sivapalan

Kids lauded the move as a “true act of love” toward the Earth.Photo by Silver Wallace In a bid to reconcile outdated courting practices, major Valentine’s card …


Area Man Just Waiting for an Opportunity to Talk About the Horses Outside of PF Chang’s

Written by: Megan Cox

“I don’t know who I am anymore without the horse” says Chou, when asked by officers to get off the horse.Photo by Jack Yang Local man Devin …


Local Man Can’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring up Gore at the Dinner Table

Written by: Andrew Sitko

After performing his “sausage as noose” routine for the fourth night in a row, Jason Roth reportedly told his disapproving mother, “What do you mean mom? …


Child Politician Criticized for Inconsistency After Position on Favorite Color Changes

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Wilson responded to critics: “What can I say? I don’t see color.”Photo by Jack Yang Five year-old politician Desmond Wilson recently stated that his favorite color is …


Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans

Written by: Steven Zhou

One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that …


Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII

Written by: Shantelle Brooks

Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”Photo by Jack Yang On Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper …


Groundhog Day Inner Circle Reveals Punxsutawney Phil as “Treacherous Warhawk”

Written by: Matthew Miltimore

Rumor has it Punxsutawney Phil grows stronger every time someone misspells his name.Photo by Sharon Roth Only a few days after he declared an early spring, serious …

Sunday Comics

Cosmopolitan’s Latest Cover

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski