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Disney Confirms Elsa is Not a Lesbian, But Sven is a Furry

Written by: Megan Cox

Disney executives have reportedly confirmed that Elsa will be introduced to a new female “best friend roommate” for “Frozen 3.”
Photo by Jack Yang

Amidst rumors about Queen Elsa’s sexuality, Disney recently held a press conference to reassure the public that Elsa is not a lesbian, but took the opporitunity to also confirm the sexual preferences of another “Frozen” character: Sven the reindeer. Jeanne Ferguson, a spokesperson for Disney, stated at the press conference: “We at Disney are so sorry for the miscommunication. In the 2019 “Frozen 2” film, Elsa ends the film single. It was understandably shocking for our audience members that Elsa didn’t end up with a prince. It isn’t right for a Disney Princess to remain single — it’s impossible for a woman to love herself without primarily loving a man. Secondly, it is a common stereotype that all lesbians have supernatural powers, so Elsa’s ice powers were an unfortunate red herring.”

In “Frozen 2” Elsa is 21 years old. According to a poll by Implicit Bias Monthy, a 21 year-old woman who is single is either “unloveable,” “barren,” “lesbian,” or a combination of the three. Ferguson addressed this poll in her press conference saying: “None of these values are something we want to endorse here at Disney. We are a family company … well, a ‘family company’ as long as that family is American, Caucasian, and, of course, heterosexual.”

While Ferguson used the press conference to diffuse rumors about Elsa’s sexuality, she also used the press conference to reveal new information about the film’s reindeer sidekick, Sven. “It’s shocking that the public falsely latched on to Lesbian Elsa rumors but totally overlooked the fact that Sven is a furry,” said Ferguson. “While there are no clues in the movie to suggest that this is true — and, I mean, absolutely no evidence whatsoever — Disney wants everyone to know its making important steps to represent people of all different identities in its films.”

When asked about the double standard between Elsa and Sven, Ferguson said, “Elsa being a lesbian is completely different than Sven being a furry. Elsa is the main character of the movie and an inspiration to girls everywhere, and Sven is just a silly side character.” Ferguson then goes on to reference Disney’s 2018 live action “Beauty and the Beast” remake, where Gaston’s lackie LaFou was revealed to be Disney’s first openly gay character. “Disney is all for the conversation about sexuality and identity, as long as that conversation takes place in silly side characters who have no influence on the plot and are solely there for comedic relief.”

When asked if Sven and Kristoff were in a furry/humanoid romantic relationship, Ferguson had no comment. However, leaked marketing data from a Disney-Hasbro merchandise deal featured the title “Kristoff and Sven’s Secret Adventure While Anna Was Away” on a list of upcoming toys.

Managing Editor

Beans Cox is a crystal carrying, palm/tarot reading, vegan hipster who is obviously from Portland, Oregon. Her favorite type of bean is pinto.

6 Replies to “Disney Confirms Elsa is Not a Lesbian, But Sven is a Furry”

  1. Jordan says:

    Can you provide a link to the press conference?

  2. J says:

    This is satire, right?

  3. Sandra steen says:

    If you put any woke bullshit into this frozen it will go broke like some of your others did. We the American people are finally starting to wake up and we will simply boycott the movie and all frozen things, so no more dolls or anything to do with frozen. If you want to go with the minority and not the majority of American
    People go ahead and see where that leaves you!!!

    • Amal briscoe says:

      I hate all or the stupid LGBTQ+ stuff it’s so ridiculous and it’s not normal I know people that have boycotted the entire business as a whole, my best friend, my parents, grandparents, cousin, mother in law etc.
      FIND ELSA A MAN!

  4. Sandra steen says:

    Reply is above, don’t mess with frozen because the American people are starting to get their voices. We will destroy the movie AND all products that are frozen related, leave these characters alone and let children be children!!!!

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