Volume 26 Issue 4

Briefs

Best Actor Goes to a White Man for the First Time Since 2018

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Best Actor Goes to a White Man for the First Time Since 2018 In radical recognition of the diversity of white talent in the modern film …

Briefs

Local CS Major Abandons App Design Made Just as a Resume Booster

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Local CS Major Abandons App Design Made Just as a Resume Booster Justin Flannigan, a third-year Computer Science major, stopped production on his application FaceIt that …

ArticlesCampusLocalNews

Valentine’s Day Goes Paperless to Appeal to “Those Whiny Kids”

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Kids lauded the move as a “true act of love” toward the Earth.Photo by Silver Wallace In a bid to reconcile outdated courting practices, major Valentine’s card …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Man Just Waiting for an Opportunity to Talk About the Horses Outside of PF Chang’s

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“I don’t know who I am anymore without the horse” says Chou, when asked by officers to get off the horse.Photo by Jack Yang Local man Devin …

ArticlesLocalNews

Local Man Can’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring up Gore at the Dinner Table

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After performing his “sausage as noose” routine for the fourth night in a row, Jason Roth reportedly told his disapproving mother, “What do you mean mom? …

ArticlesLocalNews

Child Politician Criticized for Inconsistency After Position on Favorite Color Changes

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Wilson responded to critics: “What can I say? I don’t see color.”Photo by Jack Yang Five year-old politician Desmond Wilson recently stated that his favorite color is …

ArticlesLocalNews

Scripps Institute of Oceanography Creates First Human-Whale Hybrid to Survive Rising Oceans

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One spectator called the hybrid “impossible to escape, impossible to forget.”Photo by Jack Yang Dr. Margaret Lienen, Director of Scripps Institute of Oceanography (SIO), recently confirmed that …

ArticlesCampusLocalNewsPolitics

Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII

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Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”Photo by Jack Yang On Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper …

ArticlesCampusNews

Local Biology Professor Loses Funding After Lab Stocked With Antibacterial Soap

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Sources heard the bacteria protesters shouting: “Please, just one sneeze! We’re starving!”Photo by Jay Noonan Longtime cell biology researcher Alexander Conrad recently announced that his lab lost …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Australia’s Fires are Tragic but We Can All Help vs. Okay, but First Can We Stop Those Men From Wearing Shorts That are Too Short?

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Point: Australia’s Fires are Tragic but We Can All Help I was so devastated to hear about the Australian fires. Just thinking about all those animals …