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Valentine’s Day Goes Paperless to Appeal to “Those Whiny Kids”

Written by: Ram Sivapalan

Kids lauded the move as a “true act of love” toward the Earth.
Photo by Silver Wallace

In a bid to reconcile outdated courting practices, major Valentine’s card companies have pledged to go paperless for 2020. Mike Perry, CEO of Hallmark and spokesperson for the initiative, said in a recent press interview: “You know, I understand ‘Generation Z’ kids about as much as the next guy, but I do think it’s time we take this step forward.” In lieu of traditional paper cards, Hallmark will be making available their own customized set of “woke” seasonal emojis and text message animations for download. This rollout comes as card sales projections were found to be especially low this season in light of the ongoing Australian fire crisis.

“I think there’s a lot to be said for a move like this,” says Ava Bausch, local housewife and self-professed child psychologist. “Kids have become so conscious lately, I’m really starting to feel my age! I remember being young and always finding something to be upset about; I always say those were the glory days … Now if there’s one thing us middle-aged housewives are known for, it’s not getting upset about trivial things. Whining about everything — that’s something only those ‘Gen Z’ kids do.”

Pew Research finds that five out of six adults are unfamiliar with how their kids socialize, with expectations that this statistic will increase in the coming years. NPR social media correspondent Yuki Noguchi shared: “It’s really a nightmare, this back and forth between generations. Every time I think the technological gap is closing, all I have to do is quickly scroll through conversations with my mom and count all the misplaced emojis poking out among the short blurbs of text. It’s a hell of a social phenomenon.”

Some parents have expressed concerns over moving away from paper valentines. Joe Manson, an advocate for what has been coined the “Reach our Kids” movement, said, “I mean I might even say it’s sacrilege, what they’re doing here! You’re telling me I don’t know how my daughter is getting along at school, that she wouldn’t want to be popular with these goddamn teachers telling her what she thinks she knows. By god, I ought to write someone about this!”

While smaller greeting card companies grapple with profit margins, contemporary sociologists have taken the opportunity to revisit what a valentine means. “Now that we’ve lost the human aspect of actually exchanging these tokens of affection, it begs to question: how did this practice come to be and what broader social forces facilitated or continue to facilitate it?” asked Dr. David Welsh, professor of sociology at Yale University, in a recent essay on modern romantic relations.

Selma Bannor, sixth-grade class president, offered this nod: “If I want someone to like me, I just text them. It’s that simple really. I used to say ‘save the trees’ and thought one day it would matter, but now we kids really have been heard. And I mean, who even cares about cards anymore? It was always the candy that mattered. I get my ego boost from Instagram likes anyways.”

The Bannors could not be reached for comment, but local neighbors chimed that “Selma has never been more than an arm away from an iPad, since before she could crawl even!” Hallmark recently endorsed Selma as a junior brand ambassador to the new “Paperless Hallmark.”

Copy Editor at The MQ

When not masterminding his Ponzi scheme which sells wrist bracelets woven from the hairs of the endangered Himalayan Mountain Rams, Ram competitively corn whittles, a sport in which he holds two international titles awarded by the Council of Intercollegiate Multipurpose Rooms. His most prized whittled project is a twice beheaded statue of a My Little Pony's Pinkie Pie gazing at the Costa Rican Sunset over dumpsters overrun by a frenzy of Spider Monkeys.

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