November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II


Soldiers Enraged as Mouse and Keyboard are Disabled for Potential WWIII

Written by: Shantelle Brooks

Vargas complained that disabling mouse and keyboard would ruin his “epic 89% accuracy rate.”
Photo by Jack Yang

On Monday, January 13, US Secretary of Defense Mark Esper tweeted that ‘mouse and keyboard’ controls would be prohibited in a potential conflict with Iran. Mouse and keyboard control schemes are often used in PC gaming, popular amongst those in Generation Z. Now many young recruits have brought up complaints with military leadership regarding their transition from competitive e-sports to real weapons. These complaints include “little to no compatibility” with the new technology, “reducing frame-rate of reality,” and not being allowed to “overclock” their weaponry. While the US Armed Forces has not yet released an official statement on the matter, many legal experts agree it has violated Article 1337 of the Geneva Convention, which states “no military may implement mouse and keyboard in a ‘controller only’ tournament.”

As tensions between America and Iran increase, fear over another international war has caused widespread unease in the public. The US Armed Forces, preparing for a potential oncoming battle, is welcoming many young and new soldiers using methods that appeal to younger generations, such as releasing an official video game series “America’s Army.” However, this approach may be backfiring as many who have enlisted complain that they had joined “under false ideals on the military experience,” particularly those who enlisted into the Marines, where newly enlisted soldiers have been striking due to “unfair gameplay.”

Dissatisfaction is reportedly widespread amongst the newest wave of recruits, the majority of which range in ages 18 to 23. Many have reflected the opinion of Kyle Vargas, a 19 year-old Private First Class from Wichita, Kansas. “I have no idea who Geneva even is and why should we care about their convention?” shared Vargas, while on a short vacation home. “I knew going into the army was a commitment, and it takes hard work, but I don’t appreciate how they make us use our minds and bodies on the field to the point where it feels like I really could die IRL.” Vargas recalled that one soldier, who had enlisted fresh out of high school, stated that he had “over a 3.0 K/D on Call of Duty, and for my First Sergeant to tell me that it means nothing really hurt me, ‘cause, like, that was my calling for me to join.”

In response to the aggravation from soldiers over the policy change, higher-ranking military officials have had to take drastic disciplinary measures in an attempt to control the younger generation of troops. “There have been many occasions where cadets were showing up to training in formal suits, animal suits, camping clothes, along with headsets and whatever. When asked about it, they would claim that it was their ‘skin.’ I didn’t get it, so my whole division now are unable to possess civilian clothing and Halloween is cancelled,” said Second Lieutenant Michael Harris, an instructor at Carson Long Military Academy. Another official, who chose to speak anonymously, responded to the change directly: “Video games are not an accurate representation of military operations, but these kids were acting so weird that Secretary Esper had to say something. Hopefully his statement will help them out when we ship ‘em off to Iraq for another 20 years.”

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