Local Man Can’t Understand Why He Can’t Bring up Gore at the Dinner Table


Written by: Andrew Sitko

After performing his “sausage as noose” routine for the fourth night in a row, Jason Roth reportedly told his disapproving mother, “What do you mean mom? Violence is a natural part of life.”
Photo by Jack Yang

A domestic disturbance was recently filed at the Roth residence dinner table after 13 year-old Jason Roth reportedly went into a detailed analysis of a gory video he watched. The video in question displayed marina workers opening bloated, deceased whale stomachs. The complaints in the domestic disturbance report were “three unfinished dinners, a 40-minute standby on dessert, and one “on-the-verge-of-vomiting gag streak” occurring after the telling of the tale. Shannon Roth left the table “visibly uncomfortable,” later stating, “We were having spaghetti and meat sauce, and then he goes and says things about whale guts, so now I’m visualizing those guts. I look down at the plate and I just see a swirling mass of intestine while Jason slurps up his meal, dripping marinara down like blood.”

Not everyone at the table was affected by the events at the dinner table. Kevin Roth, Jason’s brother, has taken a firm stance alongside his sibling in his statement to police. “Everyone born millenial and older is soft. They don’t understand what it was like jumping on a Windows XP computer and watching LiveLeak at seven years old. Jason and I would watch everything from uncensored, fatal car crashes to terrorist beheadings in the desert. By nine, we were so desensitized to blood and guts, we would just laugh about the videos we watched.” The report states that Kevin then opened the refrigerator and began to eat his family’s leftovers from the night before, saying in between mouthfuls that if he couldn’t eat after every mention of gore, “I would have starved to death years ago.”

Tensions in the Roth household have heightened after the affair, with the family Xbox being locked away in the upper cupboard with a MasterLock as punishment for a spoiled dinner. A “counter-siege” from the brothers has reportedly been mounted to mention gore, obscene acts, and other “queaze-enabling” acts during every meal.

Annabelle Roth, mother of Jason, Kevin, and Shannon, shared her hardships suffered over the conflict in a statement to the press: “We’re starving, that’s all I can say. Everytime we try to eat, we are berated with terms and facts that make our stomachs close up and whatever was in there come out. Then this chain reaction occurs, and I personally can’t eat after watching someone vomit. Then I feel a little vomit-ey, you know? They really want their Xbox back, and we would retaliate by taking more and more things away. But after all this imagery at every single meal, we don’t have the energy to lift valuable electronics all the way to the top of the cupboard. I’m not sure how long we can hold out. Morale is low and we need food.”

“I really didn’t mean for it to go this far, but hey, it’s working out for me,” said Jason. I think this is a real bite back for allowing a young child to have unlimited and uncensored access to a new frontier of online interaction. Especially since there were fewer child censors and protections against violent content being on the front page of Google when I grew up. I do understand that some people aren’t desensitized to the things I am, so maybe I’ll stop bringing it up at the dinner table sometime in the future. But hey, I still gotta get my Xbox back, so I’ll keep riding this out until the bitter end.”

The Roth brothers show no signs of stopping, despite Jason’s semi-empathetic understanding of the situation. Demands have grown to not only having the Xbox be reinstated and immunity to punishment, but to also have “increased screen time and a pack of Pewdiepie Lingonberry G-Fuel” to fuel said increased screen time.

Managing Editor at The MQ

Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.

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