Trump’s Tariffs Activate Xi Jinping’s Trap Card, Lowers America’s Attack Points by 500

Written by: Steven Zhou

Trump later assured the American public that he bought “the best cards. The most expensive, most valuable, rarest cards.”
Photo by Jessica Ma

Press Secretary Stephanie Grisham has informed White House correspondents that President Trump’s recent trade disputes with China have activated General Secretary Xi Jinping’s trap card “Mutual Destruction.” This trap card’s effect will cost China 800 life points while decreasing America’s attack points by 500, creating a stalemate between the two nations that has been described by economic pundits as “one of the most unnecessary yet significant conflicts since destroying the Pyramid of Light.”

Recent polls have shown a plurality of Americans believe the tariff war will be harmful to the country in the long term. In light of China’s boycott of American farm goods, Indiana farmer and proclaimed duelist Joe Wheler has had to close down his family business. “Without China to buy my crops, my farm is unsustainable. I wish we would just play the Yu-Jo Friendship spell card and call it even with China.” These concerns extend to experts as well, with economist Hali Garcia believing this tariff war “puts the US at risk of another recession. People are already losing their jobs, and can no longer afford food, housing, or medicine. If this keeps going on, we’ll be losing a lot more than 8000 life points, I’ll tell you that.”

Despite these warnings, a large percentage of Americans believe these trade disputes are something to be lauded. Richard Young, a former steel mill worker who now works odd jobs in the Shadow Realm, is optimistic that “this trade war will finally bring jobs back to America that those neoliberal globalists took away from us. There’s nowhere for duelists without college diplomas to make a good buck anymore. We deserve life points too!” Many point out that the Federal Reserve would never allow such a war to escalate without opposition, leaving some to theorize President Trump’s own trap cards on the field may be able to counter the effects of “Mutual Destruction.”

The trade war has been estimated to have cost Americans $3.4 billion in the month of June, prompting some large businesses to speak out. “We have to raise prices on all our trading cards to make up for our losses, but it just keeps spiraling out of control,” shared a correspondent for Bandai Inc. “When we raise prices, fewer people buy from us, which forces us to raise prices even more. Pretty soon, it’s going to be too expensive for an average family to afford a Blue-Eyes White Dragon.”

While most journalists after the press conference were reportedly in dismay at the potential of a lost duel against China, some reporters were concerned that this issue was not being taken seriously enough. “It’s outrageous how little anyone knows about the effects of these tariffs,” shared one reporter for the Washington Post. “Living Americans are being hurt by these decisions, and everyone in D.C. is treating it like some children’s card game or something.”

Content Editor at The MQ

Steven Zhou was made in Canada and designed in California. He tolerates writing and has been occasionally funny since 2016.

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