I Love You
Salutations my fair maiden, Prithee, come to me, will you? I shan’t take too much of your time with this proposition of mine, for I understand that time is of utmost importance to you. But still, I must say this: your glimmering eyes, your spring in step, your delicately florid complexion, all of this made me, nay, implored me, to avert my eyes from the tedious BILD 2 lecture onto you.
Alas, I admit, butterflies flutter beneath my navel whenever my gaze meets yours. Your radiant hair drifting in the breeze shouts “stop!” to my train of thought. Your delicate bosom, framed by the silhouette of your Lululemon yoga pants, sends a wave of bliss in my chest, arresting the beating of my heart.
I understand I will never be deserving of the beauty you exude. You seem well aware of this as you swipe left and right through your endless list of potential suitors on your cellular device, paying nary an attention to me. Nevertheless, I must make this advance before another suitor sweeps you off your feet, for I refuse to be a forlorn man dreaming about what could have been between us. I love you, my sweet lamb, and I’ve loved you since I first saw you in Week 1.
So, from my quivering loins to yours, I ask you this simple question: may I have the honor to be the keyholder to your heart? Or at least the keyholder to your Snapchat, so that we may schedule further times to rendezvous?
Hey Andy … So like, what you said was really nice, and your letter was totally, like, early Shakespearean and I definitely do not know some of the words that you used. I’m for sure flattered that you would go out of your way to write me this letter and have your friend track me outside of my Magagna lecture to give it to me. You even wrote it on that special paper that they sell at that weird art store near Wholefoods, which was cool I guess. I do have to let you know that I am not interested though, and would appreciate it if you left me alone.
It’s not really attractive that you openly admitted to staring at my ass, so maybe don’t do that. And, from now on, it would be so amazing if you would stop taking really deep breaths around me because some people are definitely starting to notice and it’s definitely off-putting. The chocolates you put on my regular seat in BILD are also a nice sentiment, but I’m lactose intolerant and sometimes a different kid takes my seat and thinks I’m the one leaving them for him, so let’s not engage in that behavior either in the future.
I hope this doesn’t hurt your feelings too much. I’m sure you just come off really creepy and stalkerish, but you aren’t as scary when people actually get to know you. It’s just that I’m really not into you and don’t think it’s going to work out.
Also, a word of advice; I saw your grade on your BILD 2 midterm and I think instead of averting your eyes, maybe you should focus on the lecture.