Volume 26 Issue 5
Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love
Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love Katherine Zimmerman, local mother, has reportedly offered unconditional love to her three sons pending approval of her terms and conditions. …
Student Activists Demand COLA, UC Replies, “Is PEPSI Okay?”
Pepsi Co reportedly plans to feature the protest in a new commercial.Photo by Jack Yang The University of California school system has issued an official response to …
Local Leprechauns Threatened by Climate Change: “Too Much Sun, Not Enough Rainbows”
When questioned by reporters, one leprechaun said, “It’s not easy being green, but it’s not over until it’s clover!”Photo by Jack Yang As winter draws to a …
Price Center’s Dirty Birds Delayed Due to Environmental Protestors Wearing Dawn Shirts
Price Center’s Dirty Birds Delayed Due to Environmental Protestors Wearing Dawn Shirts Last Thursday, confused environmental protestors from the surrounding La Jolla neighborhood stormed Price Center …
Area Child Reportedly “Just Turned Five”
“It won’t be long now until Jeffrey is fully grown,” said one family member.Photo by Jay Noonan Area child Jeffrey Chao has just turned five years old. …
Local Student Prophesizes “Total Apocalypse” if Regents Switch to Semester System
Kovalenko reportedly has lost “ample amounts of money” because he insists on paying cash but refuses to accept change.Photo by Sharon Roth In a public statement, …
Goop Releases “Raiding Mom’s Medicine Cabinet” Line of Vitamins
Goop Releases “Raiding Mom’s Medicine Cabinet” Line of Vitamins Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness brand Goop has recently revealed a new series of vitamin supplements. The collection is …
Animal Crossing: New Horizons to Include Gentrification
Isabelle also offers the option of forcing villagers to stop speaking their dialect of Animalese if the player deems it “unprofessional.”Photo by Dan Kaliblotzky Nintendo has …
Freshman Fails in Search for Crush’s Mysterious Boyfriend Who ‘Doesn’t go here’
Jacobs said, “If she has a boyfriend, then why does she keep popping up on my roommate’s Tinder?”Photo by Sharon Roth Joel Jacobs, a first year in …
New Study Shows Mental Illnesses are Apparently “Not Moods”
Students were dismissive of the movement, with one saying “They should just be more positive.”Photo by Jay Noonan New findings from a study conducted by the UCSD …
