Volume 26 Issue 5

Briefs

Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love

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Local Mother Conditionally Offers Unconditional Love Katherine Zimmerman, local mother, has reportedly offered unconditional love to her three sons pending approval of her terms and conditions. …

ArticlesCampusNewsPolitics

Student Activists Demand COLA, UC Replies, “Is PEPSI Okay?”

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Pepsi Co reportedly plans to feature the protest in a new commercial.Photo by Jack Yang The University of California school system has issued an official response to …

ArticlesCampusNewsPolitics

Local Leprechauns Threatened by Climate Change: “Too Much Sun, Not Enough Rainbows”

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When questioned by reporters, one leprechaun said, “It’s not easy being green, but it’s not over until it’s clover!”Photo by Jack Yang As winter draws to a …

Briefs

Price Center’s Dirty Birds Delayed Due to Environmental Protestors Wearing Dawn Shirts

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Price Center’s Dirty Birds Delayed Due to Environmental Protestors Wearing Dawn Shirts Last Thursday, confused environmental protestors from the surrounding La Jolla neighborhood stormed Price Center …

ArticlesLocalNews

Area Child Reportedly “Just Turned Five”

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“It won’t be long now until Jeffrey is fully grown,” said one family member.Photo by Jay Noonan Area child Jeffrey Chao has just turned five years old. …

ArticlesCampusNews

Local Student Prophesizes “Total Apocalypse” if Regents Switch to Semester System

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Kovalenko reportedly has lost “ample amounts of money” because he insists on paying cash but refuses to accept change.Photo by Sharon Roth In a public statement, …

Briefs

Goop Releases “Raiding Mom’s Medicine Cabinet” Line of Vitamins

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Goop Releases “Raiding Mom’s Medicine Cabinet” Line of Vitamins Gwyneth Paltrow’s wellness brand Goop has recently revealed a new series of vitamin supplements. The collection is …

ArticlesCampusLocalNewsTech

Animal Crossing: New Horizons to Include Gentrification

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Isabelle also offers the option of forcing villagers to stop speaking their dialect of Animalese if the player deems it “unprofessional.”Photo by Dan Kaliblotzky Nintendo has …

Briefs

Man From Bay Area Has Inexplicable Southern Accent; Experts Perplexed

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Man From Bay Area Has Inexplicable Southern Accent; Experts Perplexed A man from the Bay Area has caused mass confusion due to his inexplicable Southern accent. …

ArticlesLocalNews

Burger King Announces New Snakey Shakey to compete with McDonald’s Shamrock Shake

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Burger King announced that every Kid’s Shake will come with a free rattle.Photo by Sharon Roth In a new step towards commercializing holidays across the calendar, Burger …