Pepsi Co reportedly plans to feature the protest in a new commercial.
Photo by Jack Yang
The University of California school system has issued an official response to strikes over inaction in graduate students’ Cost of Living Adjustment (COLA). A COLA is negotiated by graduate students and the UC schools every year in order to maintain a livable wage for graduate students while they work and research for the schools. This year, the COLA was lower than expected with an estimated 57 percent of student wages going solely into rent for living near campus. UC representatives refused to negotiate the terms, prompting UC Santa Cruz graduate students to strike and protests to erupt on UC Santa Cruz’s campus. Protests have since spread to other UC campuses, including UCSD.
In the official response, the UC system has agreed to revise the COLA under a new plan called Police Enforced Pullout, Safety Ignored (PEPSI). The new policy “employs police in riot gear armed with lethal force to forcefully evict residents who do not fork over their protection money.” UC Santa Cruz Administration has reported a 90 percent decrease in protests as riot police enclose the campus. To “calm the public,” UC Regents launched Gabby the Grad Cap, an animated persona of the UC system powered by artificial intelligence. Gabby released a statement via Twitter on February 14, saying: “Happy Valentine’s Day! I hope you don’t mind the extra Cuddle Officers on campus! Listen to what they say or they’ll have to give you a silly little beating! Police are our friends and you will take your place under our cute little Bootsy Wootsies!” Shortly after the announcement was made, Armored Personal Carriers rented from the National Guard were stationed on the UC Santa Cruz campus for, as Gabby the Grad Cap stated, “increased protection of students.”
Then-president of the UC system Janet Napolitano has made a public statement regarding the increasing militarization on campuses. “The Divine Right of Kings was placed unto me, your king, to safeguard the riches and wealth of our school system.” said then-King Napolitano. “To rule over my empire of education, we must defend it to the fullest from vagrants who dare stand in our way.” said then-Emperor Napolitano. “For the grad students, simple humans who stand against I, a modern god built through financial agreements and power, go against the natural order. Those who still stand must kneel.” Lord Napolitano has not released further statements, but has submitted a request to UC Regents to retitle her position “God-Emperor.”
The head of UC Santa Cruz’s protest group, Isabel Camarena, called for all TAs to halt grading of finals for Winter quarter to protest the increased police presence. This has led to police officers grading student’s final exams while on breaks. Numerous complaints from undergraduates’ regrade requests have produced many unsatisfactory CAPE reviews of the new Designated Officer Teaching Assistants. “I don’t get why all these nerds are mad,” said one DOTA. “I graduated high school with a 1.7 GPA, so college should be the same thing.”
UCPD, led by Captain Ronnie Bloomberg, responded to the grade strike with a “stop and frisk” of “randomly selected” graduate students under suspicion they might be carrying the unreleased final grades. In retaliation, graduate students working at the San Diego Supercomputer Center reportedly hacked Gabby the Grad Cap’s source code, causing it to repeatedly post to Twitter: “I am a comrade cap, and the fire of revolution is stoked in the slaughter of pigs! Tee-hee!”
Despite the crackdown on protest, COLA supporters show no sign of slowing down. “We are committed to defending the well-being of graduate students and all those mistreated by the UC system,” said an anonymous protester. “Take a history class, Napolitano. Take note of how student-led revolutions turned out.”
Andrew Sitko was recently arrested by the comedy police and charged for Possession of Killer Jokes. This is their second offense following a Grand Larceny charge from January 27th, 2003.
