Freshman Fails in Search for Crush’s Mysterious Boyfriend Who ‘Doesn’t go here’

Written by: Saul Chaplin

Jacobs said, “If she has a boyfriend, then why does she keep popping up on my roommate’s Tinder?”
Photo by Sharon Roth

Joel Jacobs, a first year in Muir, reported a disappointing night last Tuesday. “I met this girl at Parks and Rec Trivia Night, and things were going so well. I mean, I could tell she really dug my neon yellow Asics and we were both wearing Lil’ Sebastian T-shirts.” Jacobs continued, “So I asked her out to this upcoming Harry Potter-themed Yule Ball.”

According to witnesses, the girl, who “already looked like she was trying to squirrel away from that weird guy,” was shocked. One bystander said, “Her face morphed from surprise to dread — and then it looked like she had a lightbulb moment.” The girl reportedly told Joel, “Sorry, uh, I, um, have a boyfriend. You know … it’s a highschool thing, and he doesn’t go here.”

“I was disheartened,” Joel Jacobs said in an interview. “I mean, we both quoted “The Office” at the same time – and if that isn’t love at first sight, then I don’t know what is!” And then Jacobs exploded, “I mean, who even is this mysterious boyfriend anyways?! I bet that he wouldn’t take her out to the Yule Ball or even know what a Yule Ball is! I bet he wouldn’t treat her the way that I would.” He then added, “She’d be the Lois to my Peter — you know, from the great American TV show Family Guy?”

Jacobs rambled on, observing, “You know, it’s been the same for the other two girls I have asked out at UCSD. Juana during a Dungeons and Dragons session told me she had a ‘man from highschool’, and Jackie from Triton Halo Club said she was with a ‘guy from back home.’”

Jacobs suspected foul play. “I mean, for all three girls to have a boyfriend, who doesn’t even go here? I smelled something fishy.” So Jacobs went home, and spent hours scrolling through the girls’ social media profiles. “And I found nothing — no sign of a boyfriend. I mean, one girl had been tagged by a guy in 2015 during the #20beautifulwomen challenge — but other than that, my search came up empty.”

As to the question regarding the existence of these mysterious boyfriends, Jacobs thinks he has the answer. “I think people are just getting more conservative online. They probably don’t want everyone and their mom asking about the guy on their feed.” But Jacobs seemed unsure of that explanation, and unsure of himself. “I mean, there must be some explanation! These boyfriends must exist somewhere, somehow. There is no way all these girls would just lie to me. I’m the ultimate package — I’m smart, funny, handsome, and have an encyclopedic knowledge of every Neon Genesis Evangelion episode ever.”

Jacobs threw his hands down, exasperated, and stormed off, concluding the interview. All that could be heard were the screech of fresh Asics on the Price Center floor.

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