Local Leprechauns Threatened by Climate Change: “Too Much Sun, Not Enough Rainbows”

Written by: Avika Dhillon

When questioned by reporters, one leprechaun said, “It’s not easy being green, but it’s not over until it’s clover!”
Photo by Jack Yang

As winter draws to a close, the often-overlooked Leprechaun community has spoken out against climate change inaction by the Environmental Protection Agency in a blistering open letter. A passage from the letter reads: “The lack of rain in recent months is disenfranchising the traditional leprechaun way of life. For millennia, leprechauns have relied on rainbows to provide a pot of gold at times of need, but in recent years that source of income has dried up and vanished due to the lack of rainfall. We Leprechauns will no longer tolerate this blatant ignorance of our people’s struggle by the EPA.”

California has seen a rapid decline in particular, with 2019 being the driest year in recorded history due to the rampant forest fires that blazed for months throughout the fall. “Honestly, we’re coming up a bit short,” said Patricia Grady, a local leprechaun and business owner. “We’ve even had to switch to marijuana because four-leaf clovers don’t grow here anymore. It’s not the ‘pot of gold’ we expected, but it’s all we have, and a green thumb sure comes in handy in this business. Even then, without rainbows, I’m not sure how I can afford to live here next year. Selling weed to college kids only gets you so far.”

“I’ve been living here since the California Gold Rush. Like, I literally made that happen,” said leprechaun Reginald Harrison III. “And now, like, I can’t even buy any stupid green-tinted beer or a McDonald’s Shamrock-fucking-Shake! I moved here because it was sunny and had rain at least every once in a while, about a century and a half ago. That was enough to enjoy the weather and make a living. But now I can’t make rent, so I have to dress up as that Lucky Charms bastard for birthday parties. It’s humiliating.”

All along the West Coast, leprechauns are increasingly unable to make enough luck or save substantial amounts of gold to make ends meet. Dr. Arlene Ku, a professor of anthropology at UCSD claims that the traditional leprechaun lifestyle is at risk of disappearing completely. “You want a world without luck? Well, that’s exactly what is going to happen if we keep losing leprechauns,” said Ku. Research from Ku’s report “The Irish Gold-Famine” indicates that shrinking glaciers and changing weather patterns appear to harm magical species just as much as non-magical groups. “In this instance, the Leparachaun population is increasing in areas with climates that have substantially more rain and sunlight in order to survive.” Ku stresses that climate change is real, and so are the rights of magical creatures. “We need to act now before it’s too late.”

“The only group benefitting from this crap would be the tooth fairies, as it’s not like anyone can afford dental anymore, so everyone’s losing their adult teeth too,” said Donnie Byrne, founder of the Leprechauns Go Green Initiative. “Santa’s workshop flooded last year which completely ruined the elven habitat, and the Easter Bunnies can’t find any ethically sourced chocolate for a reasonable price. Plus, the raw eggs they harvest are becoming harder to produce since they become hard-boiled by the fires. It’s a living nightmare.” According to Byrne, the leprechauns of Southern California are exemplary of how the negative effects of global warming are only getting started. “At this point, we’ll have to wait until the parades in June before we get any kind of rainbows, and at that point they’re all hijacked by corporations trying to get social justice points. I really think the Green New Deal is the only path forward, otherwise, we’re all going up in flames.”

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