Local Student Prophesizes “Total Apocalypse” if Regents Switch to Semester System

Written by: Kaz Nuckowski

Kovalenko reportedly has lost “ample amounts of money” because he insists on paying cash but refuses to accept change.
Photo by Sharon Roth

In a public statement, the Board of Regents proposed changing from the quarter system to the semester system, claiming that the change would be for the good of the students, and in order to “decrease stress and to help the students learn and absorb material over a more relaxed time frame.”

In response, one radical UCSD student has threatened retaliation “of the highest degree.”

According to third-year Sascha Kovalenko, who was seen canvassing against the proposal on library walk while other students avoided him, this is “an idiotic stupid dumb idea for dumb idiots. How dare they try to force change on me!” Others have expressed hesitance on social media, but for differing reasons. “I may not like the quarter system, but just let me suffer in peace,” commented one student on Facebook. “If we had a semester system, I couldn’t complain as much about being stressed, and I like complaining!”

In a recent addendum, the Board of Regents reiterated that this is just a proposal, and in line with other university proposals, no action will be taken in any sort of timely manner. Kovalenko’s radical rallies persist, however, and have escalated since Monday. “If we switch to a semester system, the consequences will be grave,” Kovalenko promised at a rally protesting the proposition. “What? No—not on us, on the Regents!” he clarified. “In fact, if they don’t pay attention to us, there will be consequences for all of Earth. We are in the process of opening a gate to the Netherworld with the help of some exhausted TAs and a few history majors. Should the Regents choose to transition into a semester system, seven plagues shall salt the Earth, and the Dark Lord Azothoth shall return to this realm and bring an infinite amount of quarters of torment and anguish to all who practice the heretical semester system! You shall all face the consequences!” Kovalenko then reportedly asked where he could buy ether-soaked rags, before donning a face mask and disappearing in a cloud of smoke.

“‘Consequences’ rang in my ears after the smoke cleared away,” said Brittany Sinclair, another student at the rally. “My eyes glazed over. ‘Consequences,’ repeated the voice, hissing and echoing in an unnatural fashion. My breath caught; the smoke had not dissipated, but had taken residence inside my lungs. It pushed against my chest, it made my heart pound. I was sweating, gasping, and the smoke was in my veins. I fell to my knees. ‘Consequences.’ I kept chanting, over and over, my mouth moving of its own accord.”

Since Sinclair’s experience, rumors of campus-wide demonic possessions have been circulating, but there is no evidence to back up these claims. Students as far as the Warren and Sixth College apartments have reported hearing arcane chants and seeing clouds of dark grey smoke hovering over Geisel. As for now, university students and faculty can only wait for an official decision.

“I beg the Regents not to switch to the semester system. I fear what will happen to me should the Regents make this fatal error,” Sinclair expressed, still coughing. The Board of Regents did not respond when reached for comment on the proposal.

Distribution Lieutenant at The MQ

Kaz Nuckowski is a Copy Editor for the Muir Quarterly. They are usually found in Half Dome laughing and encouraging students to share their wit or giving their own suggestions to make everyone else laugh. Never doubt Kaz and their skills because they will surprise you, especially when the spread has a comic open and they are feeling inspired!

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