“Mommy daycare never tells you about the mixed feelings that come from seeing your baby pound a fifth,” Mrs. Costapolis said.
Photo by: Stephen Lightfoot
UCSD student and official adult Darren Costapolis turned 21 last Monday and celebrated with a party full of legal drinking, gambling, and drugs that only a fully-developed adult could handle. When asked how it felt to be recognized as an adult by the state of California, Costapolis told reporters, beer in hand, “Honestly, I’ve been drinking scotch and playing slots since my tweens, but now I can do it in the company of my disappointed family.”
Costapolis’ birthday took place at his parents’ summer home in Palm Springs with over 200 in attendance, including over 100 people who were old enough to vote, but not old enough to legally “take a fat hit from a bowl.” Also in attendance was Costapolis’ disappointed mother, Alli Costapolis and her embarrassed husband, Rick Costapolis.
Reporters were able to interview Alli when she wasn’t busy sobbing into a handkerchief and reminding Darren’s guests to use coasters. “When Darren turned 18, it was still legal to smoke cigarettes, and then a few months in, the government made it illegal until he turned 21. My baby would have been fine with that, except for the fact that he had already developed an addiction to nicotine. Up until now, he’s had to bum cigarettes off friends, but thank God he can finally feed his addiction legally!”
When questioned about what made his 21st birthday so gratifying, Costapolis took several moments to think, lean back, and shotgun another beer. “It’s one thing to have a glass of wine or something with Thanksgiving dinner when you’re 19 or something,” Costapolis stated matter-of-factly. “And I guess your parents always SUSPECT that you’re doing stuff secretly, but they can’t pin anything on you. Now that I’m 21 though, I can just live my life without giving a shit about secrecy or anything. Do you have any idea how liberating it is to pound a 40 in front of your dad?”
When asked about his goals and aspirations for his future now that he is an adult, Costapolis revealed to reporters: “My mom wishes that I take it slow, get a steady job, and start a family. But I had to tell my mom that I already have a steady job and it’s called ‘being a full-time student’ and the only lady for me is Lady Roulette. As of last month, I’m also in an open-relationship with booze and cocaine. It gets a little complicated.”
Costapolis gave no further comment at press-time, citing that “press-time is over and party-time has begun!” before attempting to do a keg stand by himself, with his mother tearfully looking on and preparing to take Polaroid photos for a family photo album.
Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.
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