Stephen Lightfoot
Fire Fighters Adopt New Strategy: Stop, Drop, Rock & Roll
At an annual conference last week, the International Association of Fire Fighters unveiled a brand-new procedure for self-extinguishing fires, which the IAFF claimed was “guaranteed to …
World’s Most Powerful Raccoon Actually Just Hundreds of Smaller, Less Powerful Raccoons
After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth …
“Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It” Policy Imprisons Hundreds of DEA Officers
New reports from the Department of Justice have revealed that hundreds of police officers have been jailed across the nation for distribution of marijuana. Oddly enough, …
MLB Unveils New Sport: Baseball 2
In a surprise press release yesterday, the MLB announced that they had invented a groundbreaking new sport. Rob Manfred, Commissioner of the MLB, took to Twitter …
Area Woman Sure She Doesn’t Want Crate & Barrel Card, Veteran Store Associate Disagrees
Area woman Lily Petersen was shocked and disgusted when she was encouraged to apply for an in-store credit card at her local Crate & Barrel. “I’m …
