Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

At an annual conference last week, the International Association of Fire Fighters unveiled a brand-new procedure for self-extinguishing fires, which the IAFF claimed was “guaranteed to knock your fire-resistant socks off.”

The new technique draws upon the “Stop, Drop, and Roll” method which was introduced in the late 1970s. However, unlike its predecessor, the IAFF has claimed that the new method is more “hip” for today’s youth, as one is supposed to “rock and roll” as opposed to just rolling. The level of “rocking” is left up to the victim on fire, but the IAFF has suggested that anything between “ACDC” and “Black Sabbath” would be an appropriate and safe rock level.

Although the original method was still being taught to children, the IAFF reportedly felt the need to update their lingo, so they could be “way more rad in the eyes of the kids.” However, the new “Stop, Drop, Rock and Roll” technique may have hurt more than helped, as hospitals across the country have reported a tenfold increase of third-degree burns. Doctors claim that many teens have been setting themselves on fire and attempting to do the coolest rock and roll moves to brag on social media about.

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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