Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

After weeks of being terrorized by what appeared to be a nearly 60 foot tall raccoon, Sixth College students were relieved to find that the behemoth was merely several hundred, average-sized raccoons. In order to reach this monumental conclusion, research was conducted across campus in what Chancellor Khosla has called “the most profound and interdepartmental undertaking the university had ever achieved.”

Kate Kiehfuss, a second-year who first saw the raccoon, stated that she heard the raccoon growl and that it had “ascended to a plane of higher existence,” and that it would “finally be understood and feared.” A campus-wide survey revealed Muir students were the most afraid of the creature, as they had “never seen a raccoon before.”

However, upon hearing that the animal was just a collective hive-mind of all the racoons of La Jolla, life continued on campus as normal. “I’m not really afraid anymore. I mean, look, a 60-foot beast? That’s scary. But raccoons and I? We’re practically the same,” said Mason Ritchie, a first year. “The only difference is that the garbage they eat is from the trash, and the garbage we eat is from Foodworx.”

Requests for comments from the raccoon amalgam were repeatedly denied.

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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