Volume 24 Issue 3


President Trump to Implement Plan to Steal Christmas

Written by: Rowan Hernandez Cosme

Last Wednesday, President Trump announced a new policy in which he plans to steal Christmas entirely. According to White House officials, his plan is to paint …


UCSD Instructor Advocates to Change the Name of Finals to “Beginnings”

Written by: The MQ

UCSD art history professor Kathleen Doriente recently set up a GoFundMe in an effort to officially change finals week to “beginnings week.” In a recent interview …


Jesus Publishes Wishlist for Upcoming Birthday Bash

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

In anticipation of the coming holiday season, local messiah Jesus Christ has come back to the earthly realm once more to throw a “Birthday Bash of …


Baby Boomer Declares Phones Toxic to Youth While Downing Bottle of Vodka

Written by: Hannah Lykins

Local retired businessman and baby boomer Jerry Tomblin declared cellphones to be “the scourge of youth” while finishing his second bottle of Belvedere Vodka early this …


Revelle Student Sparks Controversy Over Illicit Photo of Professor Performing Cha-Cha Slide

Written by: The MQ

Last week, a first year Revelle student reportedly put up an obscene image in their dorm window for all to see. The visual in question was …


White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks

Written by: Pilan Scruggs

President Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly …


Local Big Name Corporation Graciously Allows Santa to Beg For Money on Premises

Written by: Sage Cristal

As the season of giving approaches, a local corporation, Malwart, has given a local charity the privilege to avoid being ticketed for solicitation while shamelessly begging …

ArticlesOpinionPoint - Counter Point

Point/Counter Point

Written by: Matt Olson

Point: I’m Not Sure Death Matches Are the Best Way to Decide CSE Major Availability Okay, so I understand that the CSE department is packed and that …


UCSD Ends Fundraising Schemes, Has Enough Money to Surpass Khosla’s Dreams

Written by: Elizabeth Niculescu

A statement released by UCSD on Friday has confirmed that after ruthless fundraising in recent years for large scale, unspecified growth, the university has finally raised …


Male-Conducted Study Finds One in Five Women Are Victims of an Amazing Joke They Didn’t Get

Written by: Brandon Mougel

Allegations of sexual harassment in the workplace have been on the rise recently as women everywhere have begun to report instances in which they have experienced …