November 1, 2023 Read it and weep profusely. Volume XXX Issue II

ArticlesCampusNews

UCSD Ends Fundraising Schemes, Has Enough Money to Surpass Khosla’s Dreams

Written by: Elizabeth Niculescu

The demolished building behind Khosla will eventually make way for a giant bank to cash the giant check.
Photo by Lawrence Lee

A statement released by UCSD on Friday has confirmed that after ruthless fundraising in recent years for large scale, unspecified growth, the university has finally raised enough money to fulfill Chancellor Pradeep Khosla’s wildest ambitions for the campus, including doubling the number of colleges and adding a ninth floor to Geisel for students who actually want a quiet place to study.

“We are content with the amount of money we have right now. No more of this vague, ‘break things better’ marketing, aggressive email campaigns, or sneaky fees. It’s time to make this school better for the students who have entrusted us with their hopes and dreams,” says Cathy Smith, who is spearheading the efforts to lower the cost of a UCSD education now that the university officially has enough money for the chancellor to implement his most outrageous visions for the school.

“No longer will we raise tuition every year, nor will we continue to extort out of state and international students with exorbitant fees. We definitely think that this time we have a large enough ‘nest egg’ to cover any of the Chancellor’s creative endeavors. Moving forward, we’re only going to charge as much tuition as the school needs to run, and not a cent more,” said Smith passionately.

“From here on out, the Education Affordability Committee, led by myself, will end all fundraising schemes put in place in order to meet our goal of having as much money as UCLA, like charging 10 cents per copy to print in the library. Alumni are going to stop getting so many mailers and emails guilting them into donating. These unpleasant measures had to be used initially, but now that we have as much money as we could ever want, we don’t have to do that anymore.”

“I just want to say thank you to all of the students, taxpayers, and donors who made it happen. Don’t worry about us anymore, we’re all good, money-wise!”

Upon hearing this news, students had a mixed reaction. According to a poll, 98 percent of students agreed that the end of UCSD’s fundraising schemes would be a positive change in their lives. However, when asked for further comment, they voiced a number of concerns. “Is there anywhere in the Chancellor’s budget for a four-year housing guarantee?” asked second-year Rachel Hobbins of Sixth College.

“What about the severe lack of convenient parking UCSD has had for decades? How will parking work when there are double the number of students vying for the same number of spots?” asked Warren College third-year Mark Chou.

When confronted with this feedback at a press conference yesterday afternoon, Ms. Smith appeared dismayed: “We really thought students would be more enthusiastic about a Geisel ninth floor and six brand-new colleges, rather than accessible parking and housing. I guess it’s back to fundraising!”

In other news, it will now cost 15 cents per page to print on campus, and every other weekend is officially Alumni Weekend.

Staff Writer at The MQ

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