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Local Big Name Corporation Graciously Allows Santa to Beg For Money on Premises

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One shopper told reporters, “I’m a hero,” after donating their half-eaten banana to someone who needed it more.
Photo by: Jessica Ma

As the season of giving approaches, a local corporation, Malwart, has given a local charity the privilege to avoid being ticketed for solicitation while shamelessly begging customers to donate to homeless children with cancer.

Last Wednesday, Malwart posted on their Twitter account that, in the spirit of generosity, “Malwart employees have been directed NOT to have authorities arrest any and all dirty-looking Santa imposters. Happy Holidays!”

Since the announcement, Malwart has been hailed by consumers as being “the most compassionate company in existence.” Lola Meyer, a regular customer of Malwart, told reporters, “With all the terrible things going on in the news, it’s nice to see a corporation who understands what’s important to the middle class. By expanding their Black Friday deals until December 20, Malwart has easily become my one-stop shop for Christmas shopping!”

Meyer continued to gush about Malwart’s holiday sale for twenty minutes before being asked again about their allowance of charities to collect money outside Malwart locations, responding, “Oh, that’s cool, I guess.”

Despite the apparent enthusiasm of shoppers, some organizations took issue with Malwart’s new policy. Kathy Hannan, the president of the Girl Scouts, published a statement on Friday stating, “It is fundamentally unfair that Malwart allows unemployed adults to collect money outside their establishments when at least 45 Girl Scout troops have reported being escorted by police off of Malwart property for trying to sell cookies to hungry customers. This is a defeat for feminists everywhere.”

In addition to the Girl Scouts, a group known as Heroes Against a Greedy
Society have launched a protest against Malwart for “doing the bare minimum for society.” Ross Marshall, vice president of HAGS, told reporters, “Malwart is a 250 billion dollar company that has never in its history contributed a cent towards a charitable cause. If Malwart contributed even a quarter of its yearly earnings to the Salvation Army, homelessness would instantly be a non-issue.”

Despite mixed reactions, the charity allowed on Malwart property, Cents for Santa, is grateful to the corporation for allowing their volunteers to collect money to help find homes for cancer-ridden children. One of the volunteers, Paula Newport, expressed her relief in knowing that her good deeds would not be punished this year, unlike previous years.

“Five years ago, after trying to collect donations for Cents for Santa, I remember spending Christmas Eve in a holding cell until my second-cousin, Ronny, bailed me out using his unemployment check. Two years ago, I was convicted of solicitation of prostitution because a Malwart employee told police that the Christmas handbell I was ringing was actually a butt plug. Luckily, I got out of prison just in time to dress as everyone’s favorite legendary figure and ask strangers for money.”

Newport continued, “Sure, it’s a nice gesture by Malwart to allow volunteers to solicit donations, but that doesn’t mean I won’t encounter problems in
collecting money. Whether it be teenagers throwing coffee cups at my head or the police cuffing me on the hood of a cop car, I always come across issues while volunteering. But I plan on being more cautious this year, starting with not confusing my buttplug for a handbell.”

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