Jesus Publishes Wishlist for Upcoming Birthday Bash

Written by: Dan Kaliblotzky

Jesus later told reporters, “Of course I can turn water into weed, but no one’s ever asked before.”
Photo by: Jessica Ma

In anticipation of the coming holiday season, local messiah Jesus Christ has come back to the earthly realm once more to throw a “Birthday Bash of Godly Proportions.” As the event grows closer, Christ has published an official wish list, including a variety of beard grooming products, “10 metric tons of myrrh,” and a new halo.

The party is scheduled for the night of December 24. Christ explained his reasoning behind the scheduling, saying “I heard that most people do something over Christmas for some reason, so I thought I’d be considerate and schedule it a day before.”

Reserving facilities and staff for a party of such a scope proved to be difficult. “I mean, they couldn’t get anyone else on Christmas Eve. I don’t care about working then, though. Hanukkah ends on December 20,” commented DJ Latkes, who is in charge of music for the party. “You wouldn’t believe how many nativity-themed raves I’m working that week.”

The description provided for the event assures Christ will spare no expense. “I got Arrowhead’s entire supply of water bottles for this season. There will be wine everywhere!” Christ assures. “Also, I got enough frankincense to make a line from here to heaven, and I know how far that is!”

The guest list advertises guests such as Moses, all of the Apostles, and Tom Hanks. Additionally, in an attempt to thank him for his contribution to what Christ referred to as his “fan club,” King James was also invited, though it is predicted his death may impede his attendance.

Christ mentioned particular confusion with the lack of gifts he has received for the event in past years. He cites this as the reason for the publication of his wish list and upcoming holiday party this year.

“I guess people don’t know the holiday is about me,” laments Christ. “Most of what I see is about this fat dude in a red suit. What does that have to do with my birthday? And why are people giving gifts to everyone but me?” Christ has been seen getting into fights with mall Santas across America, yelling battle cries such as “You’ll sure be holey when I’m done with you!” and “I get more fan mail than you!”

Christ has reportedly made multiple attempts to increase publicity for the event in the form of putting up posters in public spaces, reserving billboards, and sending Santa flyers disguised as letters from children. Multiple sources have also confirmed that Christ plans to erect promotional signs on church lawns across America, emblazoned with the tagline “Experience Christ’s light like never before,” and an image of Christ taking a massive bong hit.

Housewife Nancy Brown is particularly excited for the occasion: “I think it’s important for children today to connect more with our Lord and savior. In the modern world of the drugs and the weed, our children need a good example to look to. ‘Envy, drunkenness, orgies, and things like these. I warn you, as I warned you before, that those who do such things will not inherit the Kingdom of God.’ Galatians 5:21.”

Christ also shares Brown’s excitement: “I’m in my sweet 2020s. We’re going to get fucking WASTED, dude!”

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Dan Kaliblotzky is a fourth-year at UCSD. He aspires to find a career in soulful heavy metal Phineas and Ferb covers.

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