White House Aide Unable to Teach Trump to Use Chopsticks


Written by: Pilan Scruggs

Trump staffers reported having to take special care in preventing Trump from sticking the chopsticks up his nose and impersonating a walrus.
Photo by: Levi Friley

President Donald Trump recently spent nearly two weeks in Asia to discuss trade, meet with world leaders, and eat his favorite American food with a slightly different backdrop. The White House confirmed that he did technically experience new cultures, and released an image of Trump eating Chick-fil-A inside the Forbidden City as proof. This cuisine consumption was reportedly confirmed after an anonymous White House aide had been unsuccessful in teaching the President how to use chopsticks in the six months leading up to the trip.

“I thought that as thanks for these countries hosting the President, the least he could do was show his appreciation by trying the local cuisine,” explained the aide. “Even better, I figured that if he used chopsticks, then it would symbolize America’s willingness to work with other countries. Plus, it would be a better representation of the countries than using the Wikipedia preview that shows up in Google that we normally give him.”

The aide claimed that he pitched the idea a year in advance and was initially ridiculed. Another aide had said it would be easier to convince a Democrat that President Trump would win the 2020 election.

“Everyone made fun of me, and that was before the President even got word of my proposal,” the aide continued. “He wasn’t comfortable with the idea of eating non-American food, and then when I told him that it would be different from the orange chicken at Panda Express, he nearly threw a fit.”

He said that, to his surprise, the President eventually agreed to clear an afternoon to give it a try.

“We started super basic. I gave him a pair of children’s training chopsticks since I figured that smaller, joined chopsticks would be an easy place to start. It wasn’t. First of all, he asked me why he had to use a pair with a panda on the end, and said he’d much rather have one with his face on them. When we started, he just palmed the panda and then jabbed a single
chopstick into one of the Chicken McNuggets I’d laid out.”

The aide said that things quickly went downhill from there. He said that he just kept smiling, giving President Trump words of encouragement, and demonstrating with his own pair of chopsticks.

“It must have taken at least two months for him to hold the chopsticks properly. First of all, I’m not even sure how he had the patience to keep trying for so long. But when we finally progressed on to rice, it was a nightmare. We prepared sushi rice so that it would stick to the chopsticks more easily, but he still had trouble.”

Apparently the President tried in two minutes increments twice a week for the next four months, but gave up each time.

“Then one day he came in and simply said, ‘I don’t think this is going to work, you know. But it’s okay, because the leaders of China and the Indo-Pacific region are very nice, very good people. They’ll prepare nice, American meals if we ask,’” the aide recalled. “I didn’t really have anything to say. I wasn’t going to push him any further, as it wasn’t any fun for me. I just begged him not to tweet about it.”

The aide reported that the White House was working on Trump-brand children’s chopsticks, and that images would be made public within the next month or two. “From what I’ve heard, there will be three designs: the President, the First Lady, and Ivanka. However, what they described it to me as sounds more like a carving fork than chopsticks.”

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