“Whoever Smelt It, Dealt It” Policy Imprisons Hundreds of DEA Officers


Written by: Stephen Lightfoot

Speak no evil, hear no evil, see no evil, smell no evil.
Photo by: Lawrence Lee

New reports from the Department of Justice have revealed that hundreds of police officers have been jailed across the nation for distribution of marijuana. Oddly enough, the study also shows that officers who have been jailed have brought themselves in, indicating an unprecedented trend of officers demonstrating accountability for their actions. According to law enforcement watch dogs, this wave of arrests may be due to the emergence of a new policy which states “whoever smelt it, dealt it.”

Approximately two months ago, a Facebook post was uploaded by a Texas native named Buddy, who shared his experience at a traffic stop for suspected marijuana possession. Buddy reportedly used the traditional olfactory proverb “whoever smelt it, dealt it” to get the officer on duty to cuff himself, and walk back to the station to turn himself in for selling marijuana.

“I didn’t think it would actually work,” Buddy told local news reporters. “I mean, I had like an ounce of weed right there on my lap. But I thought, ‘Well, I’m going to jail. Maybe his badge camera will be leaked onto the internet and I can score some major internet fame. Instead all I got was this cruddy real life fame.”

Buddy was sullen for the rest of the interview, particularly lamenting the fact that the officer’s immediate compliance prevented Buddy from being able to present the “Get Out of Jail Free” card which he reportedly keeps in his wallet “just in case.”

What started as “a joke gone too far” has turned into a nationwide movement to unseat the police from power. Many concerned citizens who believe that the government and police’s power has become too far-reaching are reportedly using the phrase, even if they have no marijuana on them. The end result is officers self-arrested in the hundreds. In fact, the Department of Justice reported a 90 percent decrease in marijuana offenses involving regular citizens, while officer arrests for marijuana went up by
420 percent.

Maria Jayne, Chief of Tennessee State Police, is less than thrilled about the nation’s sudden new trend of lawlessness. “All of these officers being ‘goody two shoes’ and turning themselves in with no real cause is making me sick,” Chief Jane said. “Our quotas for arrests are low, our resources are depleted, and potheads are buying all the Takis! Why can’t our officers just change the facts, and plant some weed on them, like a normal person?!”

As a stopgap countermeasure to the phrase, officers are now required to wear clothespins on their noses to prevent any smelling. However, the damage to the nation’s law enforcement is already evident; many officers are now sitting behind bars and many citizens are without police oversight. With the effects of Buddy’s revolution on the general populace yet to be fully seen, the nation seems to be on edge. Vigilante groups of private citizens have started to rise up across the nation to fill the gap where law enforcement once was. The groups reportedly do not have a main leader, but are instead united with a single proverb: “If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.”

Editor in Chief Emeritus at The MQ

Stephen Lightfoot is Editor in Chief of The MQ.

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